4 Christmases

Grief is a strange and interesting thing. There is an eb and flow to how it affects you. It affects each person differently and at different times. 

For me, missing Brittany and feeling her loss hits me much more as the holidays get closer. She loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

From the first years Monty & I were together, Brittany & Angela always tried to be at Monty's the weekend after Thanksgiving, especially Brittany. It may not have been on Black Friday, but that weekend. Britt LOVED helping decorate the Christmas tree that weekend. We would have a blast looking at all the ornaments and figuring out where to put them, teasing Monty about the tiny tree. 

Her last holiday season was 2016. The Saturday after Thanksgiving she helped me decorate the Christmas tree via Facebook Messenger. I'd put some decorations on, take a picture & send it to her via messenger. She'd let me know if they should be moved or if they were good. She was excited that we had a bigger tree too! She vetoed th angels we had for tree toppers. I tried to tie a bow with teal wire ribbon - she really poo-pooed that!! She finally settled on a Santa hat! Christmas 2017 - 9 months after she stepped into heaven, the Santa hat was back on our tree top. 

Every December Britt also made a point of coming one weekend specifically to help me make Christmas cookies. She LOVED making the sugar cutout cookies. She enjoyed that I have so many cooie cutters and didn't mind that she used more than just the Christmas ones. The freedom to frost & decorate how she wanted. We had so much fun! 

This year it will be 4 Christmases since she last helped me with the tree, since she last giggled and laughed at our decorations, showed us her smiled and got excited for her gifts. 

4 Christmases that I've had to figure out how I am going to get the inspiration to get going and get the tree out, get it decorated. 4 Christmases trying to figure out who I can find to help me decorate the tree, who can understand how hard it is for me to decorate it, why there might be some tears. 

4 Christmases where I just can't bring myself to get out the recipe make the cookie dough and get out the cookie cutters. 4 Christmases where I've had to ask my mom to make my husband the sugar cutout cookies because in my grief I just can't. 

4 Christmases of getting out the stockings, filling Angela, Andrew & Monty's with fun stuff and just adding a letter & elephant token to Brittany's. 4 Christmases of finding a special ornament to add to our tree just so we can feel like Britt is still a special part of our Christmas and celebration. 

4 Christmases of seeing the perfect gifts for her in the stores and being hit with the realization that we don't have to buy anything for her anymore. 4 Christmases of wishing we didn't have to go shopping because I don't want to see those perfect gifts.

4 Christmases and she's still not here. 4 Christmases and there are still tears. 4 Christmases and there are still times of forced smiles and happiness. 4 Christmases and the knowledge that there will forever be more . . .