New Year - Not so New Me?

 We're almost through the first month of 2026 and I realized the one thing I didn't do in 2025 was keep track of all my Teal Sisters who passed away. That was eye opening. I'm sure it was not intentional, but I think it means that I am focusing on living and hopefully someone else out there is now focusing on keeping the memory of all those wonderful women alive. 

What did I actually do in 2025? 

- I made a huge decision and changed workplaces! It waas a decision solely based on me and my need to keep my mental health as an important part of myself care. The center I'm now at is a better fit for me, an atmosphere of peace, caring and fun. The families, children co-workers and administration are all really great. Yes, there are days and moments, but overall it is a good place with a calm, peaceful atmosphere. 

- I have been able to still have Issac, our grandson on Thurdays, as well as help in his preschool classroom a couple times. It's still a lot of fun being with him. He's talking so much now!! 

- We took a long weekend trip to Kansas to see Ed & Rosemary with my parents. It was a fun trip - we went to see live buffalo. Fun Fun Fun!! 

- Had lots of fun with so many friends & framily. Some of the best things we did include: Penny coming back into our friends group, bowling (I have 4 children I keep track of now), game night at Penny's, Annual Gingerbread House building at Melissa's and going to a Christmas show in the Dells with mom, dad & Jonathan! 

- Read 24 books! Most of which I would read again. 

- Did a number of craft fairs and sold out of several of my new items and almost out of everything at the last craft fair we did in December. I really need to get my fingers going to stock up for this year!! 

What's on the plan for goals and things to do in 2026? 

Well . . . 

- I plan on reading 30 books this year, as of today I have 3 read already. Along with maybe doing the Silent reading club again. 

- We're plannning a long weekend trip with Mom, Dad & Doug up to MN to visit Joni, see a Twins game

- More craft fairs, which means more crocheting

- More game nights 

- More girls' days with Melissa & Penny

- Finishing the Bible Study with Libby that we started in 2025

- Some date days with Monty

- Doing more things with Jonathan, Doug and other friends

- Oh yeah, taking care of and loving on a new grandbaby (Jelly Bean) that should be showing up in April! And more adventures with Nugget!! 

Should be a fun, busy pretty good year!!! 

The Final Photo

At work, I work in childcare, we are required to take a minimum of 3 photos per day of the children in our care. For several of the teachers this seems an impossible task along with all their other duties. Many excuses I hear at our staff meetings include: I'm so busy I just forget. There isn't always a planned activity that is easy to photography. Or my favorite- the children won't let me! 

I've had personal talks with a couple of these people to try and explain how important our photos throughout the day are to the parents. One teacher told me "It's easy for you. You're a photographer and you just have the babies." To that my reply was "No, it's not always easy for me and you don't have to be a photographer. (at least not with our app or Ipad) You just have to put yourself in the parents' place. Wouldn't you want to know what your child is doing, if they're having fun, if they're playing with friends? It doesn't always have to be a planned activity, take as candid picture occasionally. You know why? One day pictures are all you have. Because one day you will take a final photo. And that's not a good thing." 

What is a Final Photo? For anyone who has lost someone you love, you know what a final photo is. I'm sure you can even look through your pictures and find it. 

A final photo is the very last picture you will ever take of your loved one. For me, having lost my bonus daughter, I know the very last photos I ever took of her. They were on her last Christmas. Christmas Day 2016. After March 28, 2017 there were no more chances. No "next time we're together." The only photos I get of her now are that granite stone with her name on it!

My brothers always hated me having my camera out at family gatherings and celebrations. "Don't take my picture!" "Why are you taking my picture?" All their complaining stopped after one of my brothers lost his wife. I became the one who got called and asked it I had any pictures of his wife because he didn't have many. And of course I did. 

Looking through to find those photos for him to use brought tears to my eyes. Not just because she was gone, but because it had been 5 years since I had actually gotten photos of her or her and my brother!!! This is not OK! 

Pictures are memories of a moment, but they are also so much more. When you look at a picture you remember all the feelings, the sounds, the story behind it. You remember every sense of what was going on and for a moment your person is with you again. You are back in that place, that moment. You can hear their voice, smell and feel them. For a moment a photo can take away grief, pain and loneliness.

Having a final photo? That one is the most precious photo ever! That photo is the LAST! It's the final page in a chapter of a living, breathing person who has now become a memory. 

So why are those pictures we teachers take at the childcare center so important? Because parents don't normally take a picture of their child every single day of their life. Our photos are an archive of each year of their growing. They show them learning, playing, laughing smiling, and loving being a child. They show daily changes and they could, unfortunately be a Final Photo. 

I personally do not want to rob a parent of that photo. There are so many what ifs in life. What if you get in a fatal accident on the way home? What if it is your time to die? And in my case I work with infants under 1, what if they have SIDS? Could that picture I took of them laughing at the baby in the mirror be their Final Photo? 

Be thankful if you have never taken one yet. But personally, I've taken too many in my life. So, yes that is how I think. 

As a final bit on my soapbox - Parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents: GET IN THE PICTURE TOO!! 

One day you'll be the one they have a Final Photo of. Don't let it be 5, 10 or 20 years old. 

Busy Thriving or just Busy

 I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I've written a blog! I guess that can be a good thing as I am busy thriving. It has forced me to ask myself, what have I been busy with? 

I decided to list everything out here and see if there is anything that is just business or if everything is necessary. Maybe you readers can help me get rid of th(e business! Busy Busy Busy! 

From sun up to sun down, we humans always seem to have to be doing something. However, part of my issues these last 6 months have been health related - easy to blame it on that, right? Well, I've been fatigued to the point of just eating dinner and falling asleep many nights by 7pm. I have a lot of GI issues, eating issues and blah blah blah - all sounding like the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. However - the lab tests, CT and now GI tests are not showing anything abnormal!! Frustrating!!!! 

So, with that out of the way, back to the list: 

- Lesson plans & milestones for work

- Crocheting for craft fairs

- Crocheting for speccial orders

- Photography for a couple weddings, senior pics and other special occasions for friends

- Traveling with my husband, parents & friends

- Advocacy Leader meetings & events

- Survivors Teaching Students meetings

-Putting together a survivor/caregiver get together with my husband

- attending an early childhood conference

- WORK (4 ten hour days), if I could affordd to get rid of this one I would! 

- Caring for my grandson 1 day a week (NOT giving up)

- Reading

- Writing for Brighter Magazine

- Going to sell at craft fairs

- Doing things with family

- Time on social media

- Sitting in a recliner and sleeping (the fatigue thing) 

- Watching NASCAR & other sports with my husband

- Doctor, Chiropractor & Counseling appointments

I'm sure there are other things but can't remember them. 

Next weekend I'll be gone to DC from Saturday (after a craft fair) until Tuesday night for in person Advocacy Day. 

Maybe I'm just trying to get everything in while I can? While I can still move and have the health I do? I'm not sure. It's frustrating and tiring. 

Depression

 People with depression show they need help in differrent ways. We will not necessarily come right out and verbally ask for help. 

We will not ususally say "I need help." 

It may be things like: 

- I'm overwhelmed

 -I can't do this anymore

- This is all just too much

- I'm fine. I'm just fine, leave me alone

How can you resopond? 

Start by validating these feelings. THIS IS HUGE!! "I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed right now. Tell me what's going on?" A hug also does wonders. 

Find a comfortable, quiet, private space and then ask, "So, tell me what's going on." Let us talk. Let us put eveerything out there. Even if it feels like it, we're not blaming you! These thoughts and words are just how our mind works. 

After we're done, DON'T Analyze! Let us know a different perspective on what you've heard, maybe a more rational insight. Let us know we were heard. The fact you are open to us talking and communicating with you when we need to. That you aren't going to tell anyone else what we've confided in you. 

Maybe if we all keep our ears open when those around us are talking, we can help those who are struggling with depression. Maybe, just maybe we can help normalize talking about mental health. 

Why???

 April 9 -- a date that will live in infamy. At least in my life. 

April 9, 2009 - My now husband & I started dating. 

April 9, 2013 - Diagnosed with Stage 1C Ovarian Cancer

April 9, 2023 - 10 years since my diagnosis, defying the odds? Why? 

As my ten year cancerversary looms in the near future I have a lot of questions and few answers. Yes, the cancer was found early (accidentally actually). I had surgery. I had the same chemo cocktail almost every other woman diagnosed with ovarian cancer has with the first go round. I made it to 5 years . . . no recurrence. Made it passed 6, 7, 8 . . . no recurrence. And now - almost to 10 . . . . no recurrrence. 

Why? I haven't changed my diet, eating habits, exercise habits, or much of my lifestyle. I have been diagnosed with more issues caused from the chemo cocktail I had. Things like - osteoarthritis, osteopenia, my gall bladder stopped working, 3 plueral effusions with no known cause, bifocals at age 45, and don't forget the all wonderful grief and depression. I have side effects from medications that I take to help some of the conditions I have from the after effects of cancer. 

But why have I not had a recurrence? In the last 10 years I lost many, many friends. I have lists of hundreds of women who have passed away from this beast. And yet, I have not had a recurrence. 

Am I begging or praying for a recurrence? Absoultely NOT!!! 

I just wonder why. I know it's not going to be a questioned answered now or here on this side of heaven. 

Until I get that answer, I'll keep praying for my Teal Sisters, getting my check ups, and keep on with the advocacy, awareness and education! 

Remebering Teal Sisters Gone in 2022

 This is the post I make every year to celebrate and remember the lives of all of my Teal Sisters. Some I know personally, or have become close to via FB. Others I don't know but we are connected by a Teal Cord.

All of these girls and women are important and need to be remembered. As I type their names, they are so much MORE than names!! They are mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, aunts, nieces, granddaughters --- they are LOVED and MISSED. They are students, teachers, executives, nurses, doctors, military, children and so much more.

My heart hurts with each name I type. My heart breaks for each family that is affected by the loss of the woman or child this name represents. The hole that is now in the family and lives of those left behind after Ovarian Cancer took their loved one.

Notice I didn't say they lost -- because cancer NEVER wins. LOVE, FAMILY and LIFE always wins.

What can you do to help carry on the legacy of these and all the other women and girls who have gone before them? Join me and many other Ovarian Cancer Thrivers and Supporters -- help us Educate, Advocate and Spread Awareness of this horrible cancer that has NO EARLY DETECTION TEST.

Learn the signs and symptoms - educate the women (no matter how young or if they no longer have their ovaries of these signs) :

Abdominal bloating or swelling.

Quickly feeling full when eating.

Weight loss.

Discomfort in the pelvic area.

Fatigue.

Back pain.

Changes in bowel habits, such as constipation.

A frequent need to urinate

And now to honor the beautiful women, young and old:

Barb - 1/7

Tracy Bradbury - 1/22

Karen VanVoohis- 1/23

Lucy Lynne - 2/9

Tanya Temkin - 71 - 2/10

Kim Hardy - 57 - 2/15

Ni Guttenfelder - 2/18

Marianne Ortega - 65 - 2/21

Janie Swihart - 72 - 2/24

Janice Phillips - 72 - 2/24

Teresa Hadlock Dunn - 3/1

Ellen Green - 4/3

Kristin Thomas - 31 - 3/13

Heather Jones-Pinzon - 3/14

Rae Ann Reyna - 3/14

Linda Kay Batson - 67 - 3/16

Shelley Colgan Halifax - 3/28

Janet Pelton - 3/29

Susan Pittenger - 4/2022

Mary Anne Sheffield - 4/7

Mickie Talton Dickenson - 4/9

Debra Schwartz Sapcariu - 4/16

Sue Trapper - 4/18

Rose - 4/20

Capt Kimberly Schoppa - 4/26

Debra - 4/27

Angela Ruggles - 4/27

Edie Pursifull - 57 - 4/29

Gyongyike Narad - 77 - 5/3

Lisa Oliver - 5/11

Donna Johnson Carini - 5/18

Janeen - 5/23

Julie Perry - 6/3

Anne Moston - 6/3

Laura Kohl - 64 - 6/9

Janine Kidder Clemens - 6/12

Emily Eckman - 6/14

Shelley Sharp - 6/2022

Judi Feldman - 6/20

Bette Atkins - 6/28

Dacky Pineda - 6/30

Gretchen Corcoran - 7/9

Kathry Quenneville - 63 - 7/11

Jenna Peck - 37 - 7/27

Mary "Dicey" Jackson - 72 - 8/1

Lori Baar - 8/18

Amberr Cooper Blackwood - 8/18

Lisa Leslie - 9/15

Erica Roberts - 9/24

Haley Wilson - 25 - 9/26

Barbara Farrow - 10/2

Judy Tenuta - 72 - 10/6

Allison Prenner - 42 - 10/7

Korri Saylor - 10/7

Betty Reiser - 10/8

Tiffany LaCroix - 53 - 10/18

Christena Panzone - 40 - 10/30

Janese Smith Pugh - 64 - 11/1

Mimi Parker - 11/5

Madeline Vega - 51 - 11/12

Lisa Rumberger - 11/19

Mamie Johnson - 11/22

Marianna Triolo - 29 - 11/28

Carol Lloyd - 12/2

Queenie Lu Sharpe - 54 - 12/3

Terri Price - 12/15

Brit Marie Palmatier - 12/25

Please keep the families of these women in your prayers through out the comming year.

Grief: Hopes & Dreams

So far I've covered two reasons people grieve. Grief hits us all differently. For me, having cancer, losing a bonus daughter to cancer and having to come face to face with the loss of lifelong hopes and dreams all within the first 4 1/2 years of my marriage was a bit overwhelming. 

Being overwhelmed made it easy for me to put dealing with the loss of being able to have biological babies on the back burner. I shoved it way to the back of my mind and priorties. I didn't want to face this reality even though every part of me knew it was true. Of course the fact that I had to remind people at doctors' offices and when getting scans and x-rays that "no parts equals no pregnant" didn't help me want to deal with the reality of everything either. 

So on April 9, 2013, when the gyn/onc said those life changing words. I made the decision to have the second surgery - confirm the staging of the cancer and take away all hopes of ever becoming pregnant. There was no way I could face my shattering heart at this time. My husband and I focused all our energy into getting ready for chemo and the treatment to save my life. Dealing with the greif and depression setting in would have to wait. 

When I first started meeting other survivors I felt like they didn't understand this part of surviving after surviving cancer. It seemed like all these other women already had children or they hadn't ever really wanted children. Me? I wanted to be a mom since I was 15 months old and my first "live" dolly showed up. Even to this day I am still entranced by pregnant women. Newborns, babies and children make me smile, increase my happy chemicals in my brain and relax me like nothing else. 

The feeling of being a "different" kind of survivor also made me feel isolated. Wanting to be pregnant and have a biological baby had me upset and depressed. Once again I felt like I didn't belong. I couldn't share pregnancy or birthing stories. I had 2 bonus daughters who I felt like I was on the outside of their lives looking in, just hanging on the fringes. I've felt like this my entire life - always there but not really able to be included.  

In 2018 I started seeing a wonderful Christian counselor. We started working on my immediate depression and grief of losing Brittany, my youngest bonus daughter. It took eight months for me to let her start digging into the grief of losing "my babies." Yes, my babies. Those children who I dreamed of forever, who I had names for, who I had dreams for. Those little babies I loved with my whole heart. A heart that was now precariously held together with mental scotch tape. 

This grief is difficult to share. Difficult for others who have never experienced this kind of deep heart loss to understand. My counselor is an amazing woman with many, many tools she was able to put in my toolbox. 

The first step she had me take was writing a letter to my self at a younger age. I stuggled to write that letter, but did it with tears. I also read it to her, more tears. Since that day, I have shed many tears for the loss of my babies, my dreams and the dreams I had for them. We still are working through this grief, one step at a time. I continue to journal about this loss and do what I can to help fill my hurting, broken mother's heart.

This grief will be a lifelong grief. Just like the other types of grief, it will never completely go away. It will change. Things will always be different and something will always be missing without my babies. I go on with my life, take care of the other babies God brings into my care and pray that one day I'll be a grandma. God's plans are greater. He is always faithful.