It is also difficult for so many people to actually ask for help. Sometimes it is pride, sometimes it is just being tired or not wanting to bother people with our problems.
So . . . instead of "I'm here for you. Just let me know if you need anything." I'm going to give you a list (not comprehensive by any means) of things you can do and say that will really help.
1) Make a specific offer. Specifics are much more helpful that something general.
One example of this was when one of the groups I was involved in at church contacted my husband and I asking if they could put meals together for the week after I would have chemo. This was a wonderful help. They woul bring 3 meals the week after I had chemo. I got to see 3 friends. We had food and my husband had leftovers for his lunches for work.
Some other examples of specifics can include:
- "I would like to bring you and your family dinner? What day would work best? Are there any allergies or anything your family doesn't like?"
- "I know chemo must be tiring. I have some free time this week/weekend. I would love to come help with a few loads of laundry or dishes so you can get some rest."
- "I'm going to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you and your family?"
2) Everyone thinks they need to say something when they see you, but honestly, you don't. However, if you feel compelled to say something to someone in treatment and you are a close friend, you can try some of these:
- "You seem like you have beem getting some good rest lately."
- "How has treatment been going?" (If you ask this one, be prepared to listen and have a conversation)
- "I love your hat/scarf. It looks beautiful on you."
After treatment when hair started coming in
3) If you are going to inquire about how they are feeling - BE SINCERE. We can tell when you are just being polite and all you will get is "Fine" or "Alive".
4) Just be there. Find out if they have someone to go with them to go to appointment, chemo, shopping or to be with them at home as they recover. Make sure you are healthy yourself and be prepared for them to ask you to wash your hands, use hand sanitzer and possibly a mask. Individuals that have spouses who work, may be too weak or don't have someone living with them may appreciate having a friend go with them to appointments. Having a 2nd set of ears helps hear ALL the information that the doctor gives and answers to questions. It also helps pass time during treatment. Having someone at home after treatment helps make sure they are staying hydrated, eating and taking medication they need to take, as well as not falling.
Brittany, my youngest bonus daughter, doing homework during treatment
5) Pray and let them know you are praying for them. Ask if there are specific areas or things they would like prayers for. During stressful times and treatment, prayers are greatly appreciated and can be felt.
6) Keep anything and everything you are told in deep confidence. Don't tell anyone else what you are being told in any conversations with your friend/family member unless they specifically tell you that you can. You may be close to the situation and the patient and hear and see things that are confidential. Keep this to yourself. Remember, if you are this close to the person and situation, you are being trusted. Don't break that trust - Especially not at this time.
7) Treat the person like a NORMAL person. Even though they are "sick", they are still a person. They can laugh, joke and have fun. They aren't always going to mope, cry and be down in the dumps. Invite them to parties, out to eat and to events. Help the make memories! However, ask before you take pictures, not everyone likes their picture taken when they don't have hair, even though I didn't mind it.
In my wedding dress for our 1st Anniversary
8) Don't be offended if the person who is sick or their caregiver doesn't get back to you quickly or right away. There is so much going on, especially right at the beginning of everything. Appointments, surgeries, scans, new language, treatments, labs, and so many other things.
9) Never, Ever, Ever make the sick person or their caregiver feel guilty!!! This is NOT about you! In no way at all, is this about you. It is about them - they are fighting for their life, their family. Every day they are fighting to not throw up, to not think about dying, to keep themself focused on life, living . . . They should NEVER have to focus on someone else's feelings. If you get offended easily or get your feelings hurt at this time - you're just gonna have to get over it.
There are many other tips and things that other survivors could tell you. These are just a few that I found as I went through my own treatment and my bonus daughter's treatment. I was very blessed to have my husband, and that my family had gone through my mom's treatments 3 times.
Praying these tips help you, whether you are newly diagnosed with cancer or another chronic disease; or you are someone who wants to help out.
Thank you for visiting and reading the blog
Born With A Mother's Heart
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