Grief: What

 Many times we grieve something. Is it the loss of a home after a fire? A car in an accident? For others it could be a limb or mobility. 

For me - I have had to deal with grieving the loss of the organs that "made me a woman" and gave me the option to have a baby. Ovarian Cancer took my ovaries, uterus and omentum. Now, everyone knows what a uterus or ovaries are - right? Those are the very important female organs that are necessary for creation of a new life! I mean, the ovaries contain 1/2 of the items that start the whole process!!! The uterus is the safe space that grows the new life for 40 weeks. Kinda need these parts. 

But the Omentum? What on earth? Never heard of that before mine was gone! Well, according to sciencedirect.com "The Omentum is a large flat adipose tissue layer nestling on the surface of the intra-periotoneal organs. Besides fat storage, omentum has key biologial functions in immune-regulation and tissue regeneration."  Well, now I'm feeling kinda attached to this item! Again, something I probably need, otherwise God wouldn't have put it there, right? 

Scars from surgery 1 & 2 

All these items needed to come out to correctly stage my ovarian cancer. Although I, my husband and family joked through a lot of it; I still needed to deal with the anger, grief and issues having these organs removed brought. 

First of all - two days after surgery of the removal of my 2nd ovary, uterus and omentum I started FULL BLOWN FORCED MENOPAUSE! Yes, a woman's ovaries are her thermostat regulation devices. No ovaries means very HOT!!! 

In January scraping ice & snow from the driveway. (8.5 months after menopause started)

Next, and for me this was about a year later, I began to realize I hadn't had a period in over a year. As weird as it sounds, I kinda was starting to miss it. I also had phantom pains where my ovaries had been. I knew this happened in amputies, but for internal organs???? 

So you ask, how do you grieve for bodily organs? I didn't know either. It's a weird feeling to be sad and upset over missing body parts you never saw but were pretty attached to. I mean if I forgot I had ovaries and uterus, I was reminded on a pretty regular monthly basis. Not anymore! 

This grief is not something you talk about. Not something everyone may go through. Not something everyone can understand. Trying to explain to people what was wrong when I would start crying for no reason because the thought would hit me  "I don't have ovaries" isn't that well received. Walking through the feminie product aisle in the store and your eyes start to fill with tears just doesn't seem normal. So you explain it away as "menopause making you emotional." 

For me, just like losing a real live person, losing these organs felt like losing a part of me. Losing what truly made me a woman. These were the parts that could do something no other body parts could make up for - not just making babies, they regulate hormones and keep your insides in the place they're supposed to be. 

I'm still working through processing a lot of the anger and grief over losing these organs. As with any grief it is always an ongoing process. Now I have support - a wonderful Christian counselor and several sister survivors who can somewhat understand. It's not easy, and I still tear up in the femine products aisle occassionally - but, that's grief.