Busy Thriving or just Busy

 I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I've written a blog! I guess that can be a good thing as I am busy thriving. It has forced me to ask myself, what have I been busy with? 

I decided to list everything out here and see if there is anything that is just business or if everything is necessary. Maybe you readers can help me get rid of th(e business! Busy Busy Busy! 

From sun up to sun down, we humans always seem to have to be doing something. However, part of my issues these last 6 months have been health related - easy to blame it on that, right? Well, I've been fatigued to the point of just eating dinner and falling asleep many nights by 7pm. I have a lot of GI issues, eating issues and blah blah blah - all sounding like the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. However - the lab tests, CT and now GI tests are not showing anything abnormal!! Frustrating!!!! 

So, with that out of the way, back to the list: 

- Lesson plans & milestones for work

- Crocheting for craft fairs

- Crocheting for speccial orders

- Photography for a couple weddings, senior pics and other special occasions for friends

- Traveling withmy husband, parents & friends

- Advocacy Leader meetings & events

- Survivors Teaching Students meetings

-Putting together a survivor/caregiver get together with my husband

- attending an early childhood conference

- WORK (4 ten hour days), if I could affordd to get rid of this one I would! 

- Caring for my grandson 1 day a week (NOT giving up)

- Reading

- Writing for Brighter Magazine

- Going to sell at craft fairs

- Doing things with family

- Time on social media

- Sitting in a recliner and sleeping (the fatigue thing) 

- Watching NASCAR & other sports with my husband

- Doctor, Chiropractor & Counseling appointments

I'm sure there are other things but can't remember them. 

Next weekend I'll be gone to DC from Saturday (after a craft fair) until Tuesday night for in person Advocacy Day. 

Maybe I'm just trying to get everything in while I can? While I can still move and have the health I do? I'm not sure. It's frustrating and tiring. 

Depression

 People with depression show they need help in differrent ways. We will not necessarily come right out and verbally ask for help. 

We will not ususally say "I need help." 

It may be things like: 

- I'm overwhelmed

 -I can't do this anymore

- This is all just too much

- I'm fine. I'm just fine, leave me alone

How can you resopond? 

Start by validating these feelings. THIS IS HUGE!! "I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed right now. Tell me what's going on?" A hug also does wonders. 

Find a comfortable, quiet, private space and then ask, "So, tell me what's going on." Let us talk. Let us put eveerything out there. Even if it feels like it, we're not blaming you! These thoughts and words are just how our mind works. 

After we're done, DON'T Analyze! Let us know a different perspective on what you've heard, maybe a more rational insight. Let us know we were heard. The fact you are open to us talking and communicating with you when we need to. That you aren't going to tell anyone else what we've confided in you. 

Maybe if we all keep our ears open when those around us are talking, we can help those who are struggling with depression. Maybe, just maybe we can help normalize talking about mental health. 

Why???

 April 9 -- a date that will live in infamy. At least in my life. 

April 9, 2009 - My now husband & I started dating. 

April 9, 2013 - Diagnosed with Stage 1C Ovarian Cancer

April 9, 2023 - 10 years since my diagnosis, defying the odds? Why? 

As my ten year cancerversary looms in the near future I have a lot of questions and few answers. Yes, the cancer was found early (accidentally actually). I had surgery. I had the same chemo cocktail almost every other woman diagnosed with ovarian cancer has with the first go round. I made it to 5 years . . . no recurrence. Made it passed 6, 7, 8 . . . no recurrence. And now - almost to 10 . . . . no recurrrence. 

Why? I haven't changed my diet, eating habits, exercise habits, or much of my lifestyle. I have been diagnosed with more issues caused from the chemo cocktail I had. Things like - osteoarthritis, osteopenia, my gall bladder stopped working, 3 plueral effusions with no known cause, bifocals at age 45, and don't forget the all wonderful grief and depression. I have side effects from medications that I take to help some of the conditions I have from the after effects of cancer. 

But why have I not had a recurrence? In the last 10 years I lost many, many friends. I have lists of hundreds of women who have passed away from this beast. And yet, I have not had a recurrence. 

Am I begging or praying for a recurrence? Absoultely NOT!!! 

I just wonder why. I know it's not going to be a questioned answered now or here on this side of heaven. 

Until I get that answer, I'll keep praying for my Teal Sisters, getting my check ups, and keep on with the advocacy, awareness and education! 

Remebering Teal Sisters Gone in 2022

 This is the post I make every year to celebrate and remember the lives of all of my Teal Sisters. Some I know personally, or have become close to via FB. Others I don't know but we are connected by a Teal Cord.

All of these girls and women are important and need to be remembered. As I type their names, they are so much MORE than names!! They are mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, aunts, nieces, granddaughters --- they are LOVED and MISSED. They are students, teachers, executives, nurses, doctors, military, children and so much more.

My heart hurts with each name I type. My heart breaks for each family that is affected by the loss of the woman or child this name represents. The hole that is now in the family and lives of those left behind after Ovarian Cancer took their loved one.

Notice I didn't say they lost -- because cancer NEVER wins. LOVE, FAMILY and LIFE always wins.

What can you do to help carry on the legacy of these and all the other women and girls who have gone before them? Join me and many other Ovarian Cancer Thrivers and Supporters -- help us Educate, Advocate and Spread Awareness of this horrible cancer that has NO EARLY DETECTION TEST.

Learn the signs and symptoms - educate the women (no matter how young or if they no longer have their ovaries of these signs) :

Abdominal bloating or swelling.

Quickly feeling full when eating.

Weight loss.

Discomfort in the pelvic area.

Fatigue.

Back pain.

Changes in bowel habits, such as constipation.

A frequent need to urinate

And now to honor the beautiful women, young and old:

Barb - 1/7

Tracy Bradbury - 1/22

Karen VanVoohis- 1/23

Lucy Lynne - 2/9

Tanya Temkin - 71 - 2/10

Kim Hardy - 57 - 2/15

Ni Guttenfelder - 2/18

Marianne Ortega - 65 - 2/21

Janie Swihart - 72 - 2/24

Janice Phillips - 72 - 2/24

Teresa Hadlock Dunn - 3/1

Ellen Green - 4/3

Kristin Thomas - 31 - 3/13

Heather Jones-Pinzon - 3/14

Rae Ann Reyna - 3/14

Linda Kay Batson - 67 - 3/16

Shelley Colgan Halifax - 3/28

Janet Pelton - 3/29

Susan Pittenger - 4/2022

Mary Anne Sheffield - 4/7

Mickie Talton Dickenson - 4/9

Debra Schwartz Sapcariu - 4/16

Sue Trapper - 4/18

Rose - 4/20

Capt Kimberly Schoppa - 4/26

Debra - 4/27

Angela Ruggles - 4/27

Edie Pursifull - 57 - 4/29

Gyongyike Narad - 77 - 5/3

Lisa Oliver - 5/11

Donna Johnson Carini - 5/18

Janeen - 5/23

Julie Perry - 6/3

Anne Moston - 6/3

Laura Kohl - 64 - 6/9

Janine Kidder Clemens - 6/12

Emily Eckman - 6/14

Shelley Sharp - 6/2022

Judi Feldman - 6/20

Bette Atkins - 6/28

Dacky Pineda - 6/30

Gretchen Corcoran - 7/9

Kathry Quenneville - 63 - 7/11

Jenna Peck - 37 - 7/27

Mary "Dicey" Jackson - 72 - 8/1

Lori Baar - 8/18

Amberr Cooper Blackwood - 8/18

Lisa Leslie - 9/15

Erica Roberts - 9/24

Haley Wilson - 25 - 9/26

Barbara Farrow - 10/2

Judy Tenuta - 72 - 10/6

Allison Prenner - 42 - 10/7

Korri Saylor - 10/7

Betty Reiser - 10/8

Tiffany LaCroix - 53 - 10/18

Christena Panzone - 40 - 10/30

Janese Smith Pugh - 64 - 11/1

Mimi Parker - 11/5

Madeline Vega - 51 - 11/12

Lisa Rumberger - 11/19

Mamie Johnson - 11/22

Marianna Triolo - 29 - 11/28

Carol Lloyd - 12/2

Queenie Lu Sharpe - 54 - 12/3

Terri Price - 12/15

Brit Marie Palmatier - 12/25

Please keep the families of these women in your prayers through out the comming year.

Grief: Hopes & Dreams

So far I've covered two reasons people grieve. Grief hits us all differently. For me, having cancer, losing a bonus daughter to cancer and having to come face to face with the loss of lifelong hopes and dreams all within the first 4 1/2 years of my marriage was a bit overwhelming. 

Being overwhelmed made it easy for me to put dealing with the loss of being able to have biological babies on the back burner. I shoved it way to the back of my mind and priorties. I didn't want to face this reality even though every part of me knew it was true. Of course the fact that I had to remind people at doctors' offices and when getting scans and x-rays that "no parts equals no pregnant" didn't help me want to deal with the reality of everything either. 

So on April 9, 2013, when the gyn/onc said those life changing words. I made the decision to have the second surgery - confirm the staging of the cancer and take away all hopes of ever becoming pregnant. There was no way I could face my shattering heart at this time. My husband and I focused all our energy into getting ready for chemo and the treatment to save my life. Dealing with the greif and depression setting in would have to wait. 

When I first started meeting other survivors I felt like they didn't understand this part of surviving after surviving cancer. It seemed like all these other women already had children or they hadn't ever really wanted children. Me? I wanted to be a mom since I was 15 months old and my first "live" dolly showed up. Even to this day I am still entranced by pregnant women. Newborns, babies and children make me smile, increase my happy chemicals in my brain and relax me like nothing else. 

The feeling of being a "different" kind of survivor also made me feel isolated. Wanting to be pregnant and have a biological baby had me upset and depressed. Once again I felt like I didn't belong. I couldn't share pregnancy or birthing stories. I had 2 bonus daughters who I felt like I was on the outside of their lives looking in, just hanging on the fringes. I've felt like this my entire life - always there but not really able to be included.  

In 2018 I started seeing a wonderful Christian counselor. We started working on my immediate depression and grief of losing Brittany, my youngest bonus daughter. It took eight months for me to let her start digging into the grief of losing "my babies." Yes, my babies. Those children who I dreamed of forever, who I had names for, who I had dreams for. Those little babies I loved with my whole heart. A heart that was now precariously held together with mental scotch tape. 

This grief is difficult to share. Difficult for others who have never experienced this kind of deep heart loss to understand. My counselor is an amazing woman with many, many tools she was able to put in my toolbox. 

The first step she had me take was writing a letter to my self at a younger age. I stuggled to write that letter, but did it with tears. I also read it to her, more tears. Since that day, I have shed many tears for the loss of my babies, my dreams and the dreams I had for them. We still are working through this grief, one step at a time. I continue to journal about this loss and do what I can to help fill my hurting, broken mother's heart.

This grief will be a lifelong grief. Just like the other types of grief, it will never completely go away. It will change. Things will always be different and something will always be missing without my babies. I go on with my life, take care of the other babies God brings into my care and pray that one day I'll be a grandma. God's plans are greater. He is always faithful. 

Grief: What

 Many times we grieve something. Is it the loss of a home after a fire? A car in an accident? For others it could be a limb or mobility. 

For me - I have had to deal with grieving the loss of the organs that "made me a woman" and gave me the option to have a baby. Ovarian Cancer took my ovaries, uterus and omentum. Now, everyone knows what a uterus or ovaries are - right? Those are the very important female organs that are necessary for creation of a new life! I mean, the ovaries contain 1/2 of the items that start the whole process!!! The uterus is the safe space that grows the new life for 40 weeks. Kinda need these parts. 

But the Omentum? What on earth? Never heard of that before mine was gone! Well, according to sciencedirect.com "The Omentum is a large flat adipose tissue layer nestling on the surface of the intra-periotoneal organs. Besides fat storage, omentum has key biologial functions in immune-regulation and tissue regeneration."  Well, now I'm feeling kinda attached to this item! Again, something I probably need, otherwise God wouldn't have put it there, right? 

Scars from surgery 1 & 2 

All these items needed to come out to correctly stage my ovarian cancer. Although I, my husband and family joked through a lot of it; I still needed to deal with the anger, grief and issues having these organs removed brought. 

First of all - two days after surgery of the removal of my 2nd ovary, uterus and omentum I started FULL BLOWN FORCED MENOPAUSE! Yes, a woman's ovaries are her thermostat regulation devices. No ovaries means very HOT!!! 

In January scraping ice & snow from the driveway. (8.5 months after menopause started)

Next, and for me this was about a year later, I began to realize I hadn't had a period in over a year. As weird as it sounds, I kinda was starting to miss it. I also had phantom pains where my ovaries had been. I knew this happened in amputies, but for internal organs???? 

So you ask, how do you grieve for bodily organs? I didn't know either. It's a weird feeling to be sad and upset over missing body parts you never saw but were pretty attached to. I mean if I forgot I had ovaries and uterus, I was reminded on a pretty regular monthly basis. Not anymore! 

This grief is not something you talk about. Not something everyone may go through. Not something everyone can understand. Trying to explain to people what was wrong when I would start crying for no reason because the thought would hit me  "I don't have ovaries" isn't that well received. Walking through the feminie product aisle in the store and your eyes start to fill with tears just doesn't seem normal. So you explain it away as "menopause making you emotional." 

For me, just like losing a real live person, losing these organs felt like losing a part of me. Losing what truly made me a woman. These were the parts that could do something no other body parts could make up for - not just making babies, they regulate hormones and keep your insides in the place they're supposed to be. 

I'm still working through processing a lot of the anger and grief over losing these organs. As with any grief it is always an ongoing process. Now I have support - a wonderful Christian counselor and several sister survivors who can somewhat understand. It's not easy, and I still tear up in the femine products aisle occassionally - but, that's grief. 

Remembering Teal Sisters Gone in 2021

I'm a little behind this year on writing this post (took a trip to Kansas at the end of the year). It doesn't mean this post is any less important than it has been in years past.

Ovarian Cancer sucks! Cancer in general sucks. Each year I have more and more names of beautiful, wonderful Teal Sisters to add to my notebook. I've been asked why I keep this notebook - simple answer: Someone needs to remember these women and girls! They are not just names on a piece of paper or a post on FB. They are moms, wives, daughters, granddaughters, sisters, nieces, friends, teachers, doctors, politicians, advocates and so much more - and they are no longer here with us.

I may not know everyone of these women personally, but we are tethered together forever by a TEAL cord. They are ALL my Teal Sisters. I will keep on educating, advocating and raising awarenes until my last breath.

Know Your Body - Know the Symptoms:

Common:

- Bloating

- Pelvic or abdominal pain

- Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly

- Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Less Common:

- Fatigue

- Indigestion

- Back pain

- Pain with intercourse

- Constipation

- Menstrual irregularities

Remembering my Teal Sisters who have left us in 2021:

Cheyann Shaw - 28 - 1/4

Lisa Craig Schab - 1/9

Teri Woodhull (MOCA) - 1/10

Sherry Leamon - 1/21

Pauline Crowley Mulpeter - 1/24

Bethleen Bradford - 1/27

Michelle Nixon - 1/29

MJ - 1/2021

Jessica Fesler - 2/1

Nancye Long - 57 - 2/2

Leanne Temple - 2/9

Phyllis Maslia - 65 - 2/9

Kathy Cook - 63 - 2/13

Bronwyn Rich - 2/16

Janine - 2/19

Jill Mclevaine Tanner - 2/23

Julie Shinton Fried - 2/25

Michelle - 2/2021

Ginger Wilhelmi (MOCA) - 3/2

Jeannette Sherwood - 67- 3/3

Kathy Nortrup Pilla - 3/3

Sue Charon - 3/10

Brittany Anthony - 3/13

Juanita Kay Stout - 59 - 3/16

Jennie Slack Pate - 3/20

Carmela Guerra Juarez - 3/26

Athina Burns - 3/27

Diana Shook May - 3/29

Bella Flowers - 44 - 3/29

Kat Schrack - 4/4

Anna Elizabeth Dean - 41 - 4/7

Shoneece (Anewme) Leonard - 46 - 4/8

Kim Pardue Swearengin - 56 - 4/8

Robyn Smith - 4/15

Sharon Drucker - 4/24

Toni Niblic - 4/26

Kathleen Zamorski - 4/27

Rashida - 4/29

Sue Redman - 4/2021

Debbie Stansbury Jones - 5/3

Maddie McClendon - 18 - 5/8

Joyce - 5/9

Marianne Cesare Lipesei - 5/15

Melissa Rhodes - 42 - 5/16

Kate Payne - 5/19

Sonna Singleton Gregory - 5/27 (Clayton Co Commissioner, GA)

Jacqueline Sapp - 5/28

Cheryl Sumner - 5/29

Paula Kirby Champion - 5/30

Pam Morrison - 5/2021

Christine Coffinger - 5/2021

Barb Ernst - 68 - 6/4

Debbie Hensley Dryden - 6/5

Lindsey Kozecke - 41 - 6/5

Tippi Whitehead - 6/16

Melissa George - 6/17

Jennifer Koolman - 26 - 6/22

Carol Ann Frey - 6/25

Traycie Billa Mitchell - 6/25

Diane Hunter - 6/26

Rhonda Hines - 6/2021

Carol Portas Semler - 67 - 7/2

Cathi Nuttall Kennedy - 7/3

Sherry Kjellsen Gullickson - 7/4

Stephanie Herfel - 54 - 7/8

Cathie Volz - 7/16

Susan Glynn - 55 - 7/20

Eva Tibbo Leisure - 7/21

Kathie Hannas - 7/27

Sheila Stiles - 66 - 8/5

Deb Thomas - 8/7

Cally O'Donnell - 63 - 8/25

Cianney Faco (Lexa Rave) - 30 - 8/29

Tammy Seiler - 9/3

Tara Deeker - 48 - 9/3

Debbie Strine Edwards - 9/5

Amy Buck - 9/13

Carolyn Bryant Schaub - 50 - 9/22

Camille Brh - 9/25

Regan Shale Lefferts - 10/2

Nadia Chauduri - 43 - 10/5

Marie Kocher - 67 - 10/7

Gina Zarletti - 45 - 10/10

Jan Jones - 10/16

Rhonda Gold - 66 - 10/16

Nancy Lynne Nelson - 55 - 10/23

Joan Ellison - 64 - 11/3

Terri Polson - 11/5

Rebecca Smith Merrill - 11/11

Emily Ball (Emily's Entourage) - 21 - 11/21 (diagnosed originally at age 8

Renee Cohen - 11/21

Marge Ottaway Metz - 11/28

Shaylee - 27 - 11/29

Kym Boone Young - 12/11

Barbara Thompson Gant - 12/12

Jenn Kold McDermott - 12/31

(these are only the women & girls I learned about through out the year. There are many, many more all over the US and world who DIE from this disease daily.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIb4NC5ikYo