For I Know the Plans . . . Part 1

When I was in high school, I had my life all figured out - a Life Plan. Now don't laugh, it was a pretty good plan. 

The Plan: 

- Go to college and become a nurse like mom

- Meet a great guy my junior year (my future husband)

- Get married the year after we graduate college

- Start having babies the year after that, I was planning 3 sets of twins, each set 2 years apart

- Be a stay at home wife & mom

- Live happily ever after 

Good plan, right? Have you ever noticed our plans are like building a tower with blocks? We can build and build and have the best tower, but one thing goes wrong with our plan and the whole thing tumbles like another child fell into it. So, we pick up our blocks, make the base stronger, still holding onto those same blocks. Using the same blocks, we always have to try and put the plan back into place. 

For me, I changed my major because I couldn't handle putting or seeing needles going into an orange, nuch less skin. Then I didn't have money to go back for the first semester of my sophomore year. I met my first realy boyfriend freshman year - he turned out to NOT be the guy I thought (lying, cheating, etc). My blocks fell and fell hard. I spent years scrambling trying to find them all so I could at least pull some of the "perfect plan" back together. 

Finally, I turned back to the only One who could help me figure out The Plan. In 1991, God spoke to my heart and told me to calm myself. He promised me a husband AND a family of my own. All I had to do was be patient, wait and work on getting myself ready for the special man He had for me.

Deep breath . . . so what do I do now? I surround my self with books, bible studies, friends, teachers and classes through church. I deepen my relationship with God. Learn and study. I became a proponent for Waiting vs Dating. I began to see that being single and never married was a blessing, a special time that I could minister to others in a way I never would be able to again.  

This time I made another list, with God's help. The list of 30 biblical qualities my future husband needed. Each characteristic backed up with at least one Bible verse. Honestly, I this was some busy work God gave me to keep my mind off making another plan (ha ha ha). 

God also had me make a list of 30 biblical qualities I needed to work on to become the wife for that man. The man He made just for me. Let me tell you, that was NOT a pretty or easy list to make. If I'm honest, those are things I'm still working on. 

I worked on the lists, worked at my job, volunteered in the church nursery, went to church as much as I could, had fun with my friends and family; slowly rebuilding that tower of blocks again. This time though they weren't the soft cloth infant blocks. They were the pretty colored, chewable plastic ones the older infants and toddlers play with. The ones that start to hurt a little when they fall . . . 

Gone Too Soon?

A few weeks ago, an event triggered the thoughts for writing this post. Christian singer, TobyMac's son, Truett, died at the age of 21. Many fans posted condolences on his page and in their sentiments added that it was sad to see him "gone too soon" or "taken so soon." We received a lot of these same sentiments when Brittany went to her heavenly home. It took time for me to realize and understand that "gone too soon" is not something God wants us to focus on.

In my own grief over Britt, I needed to make sense of why young children with what I saw as their whole lives ahead of them died at such young ages. Brittany was 19!! Our friend's daughter was 14!! Being in the cancer community I am constantly seeing small children, young children, babies who have barely had a chance to live, dying every day from horrible disease! GOD THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!

It was then that God reminded me - because of sin, life isn't fair. It took two years to come to terms with this fact. Sin, disease, death -- this is what happens in this world. No matter how much as a parent or stepparent we want to be able to change places with our suffering children, we CAN'T.  I prayed and prayed for God to let me take the cancer from her, to give me a recurrence and let her be cancer free so she could live her life, live her plan, become the wonderful nurse she wanted to be. Realize all the potential we could see in her. 

That's when, through my tears and heart cries, God slapped me in the face with Psalm 139. As I read that familiar Psalm, words that had always been important to me before began to comfort, then I got to verse 15 and 16: 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

It was not up to me to decide if Brittany was too young or too old to die - that's God's job! Before we were born, He knew how many days we would have in our life. He knows how long or short each person's dash is, or even if a person gets a dash. Sickness, personal decisions of individual will - they don't surprise Him! This doesn't mean that we won't get to live how we want or destroy our life or health. However, God expects us to follow Him and make an impact with the life and direction He created us for, that is His blessing to us. 

Brittany, even though she didn't get to become the nurse she wanted to, has left a mark and legacy with her strong faith, love and joy. Her heart for others and her sweet, gentle spirit. We will never forget her - and no parent that has a child living in heaven will ever forget that piece of their family missing here on earth. There will always be grief here, just as there will always be sin, sickness and death. 

Knowing God has each person's days ordained and a special purpose for each of our lives, no matter how long our dash, brings a deep measure of comfort to me. There is NEVER a gone too soon. 

We grieve because we love. 

Lessons From A Rose Bush

Earlier this spring while cleaning our flower beds, two of the rose bushes we planted last year appeared dead. We are always looking for good deals, so we waited. One night in August we found a new one to replace one of them - that was dear to us.

The next weekend when I went to plant the new rose, the one that was truly dead, I had to cut back some overgrowth and weeds. That's when I saw it - the second rose bush we had given up as dead. 
As I clipped the overgrowth and pulled it away, I wasn't expecting what I saw or the lesson that hit my heart. 

I have renamed that little bush our Survivor Rose and here is why: 

Last year it bloomed beautifully. In spring when clearing away the debris, vines, weeds and overgrowth from fall we saw dead sticks. No new growth, no signs of life. We didn't pay it much attention at all this growing and blooming season. 

Now, there were more vines and overgrowth to clear away before I could plant the new rose in the other space. As I snipped and worked, my mind was on the new rose and how much room I was going to need to plant it properly. 

Imagine my surprise when from under the vines a beautiful, green little rose bush appeared. It even had a rose hip with brown dried petals still on it. This little, left for dead rose flourished and survived when no one believed in it except its Creator. Even in its adverse conditions - not getting enough sunlight, not getting the ideal rain/water through all the weeds and vines competing for those things - it still flourished. It didn't give up!! It kept on doing what its Creator made it to do. That little rose bush was just waiting doing what it needed to do until the day someone came along and helped it be able to show the world just how strong it really was. That bush is a Survivor - no matter what the hardships it fought its way through and even though it needed help it came through and Survived!! 

The lesson that brought tears to my eyes?

It doesn't matter if others may give up on you. It doesn't matter what hardships you have to go through, the obstacles in your way. All that matters is that you keep focused on what God - your Creator - has made you to do and do it. You are going to have to struggle, fight and even sometimes work to hard to stay alive but in the end with a little help - no matter what form God sends that help in (friends, family, a doctor, medicine or counselor) - you will breakthrough and show the world your purpose and your strength!! 

So right now, if you feel your life is covered with darkness, weeds, vines. If you feel everyone has given up on you. Keep on blooming - keep doing what God has made you to do. And know - Help is on the way!!

Isaiah 54:1

Why the name of this blog? There are many reasons behind it, but let's start with the earliest one.

Back in the late 90's I was living in Minnesota, going to a wonderful church, working a temp job and had a nice group of friends. The only thing missing, in my eyes, was my husband. In 1991 I know God spoke to me and promised me a husband and family. We were now several years past that promise and I was getting older - for goodness sake I was almost 30!! I wanted all those babies I was praying for!!

During one of my many personal studies on dating vs waiting, I received this verse. Isaiah 54:1

"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; 

burst into song, shout for joy, 

you who were never in labor; 

because more are the children of the desolate woman 

than those of her who has a husband,"

says the Lord.

Ok, well then . . . on to some other translations and paraphrases. Found one that said - "because more are the spirtual children" I could see that. I had spent most of my years until that point taking care of everyone else's children: babysitting, daycare, friends' children . . .you name it.

 I LOVE children. From pretty much day one I was nurturing my baby dolls. My first brother was born when I was 15 months old, I was momma's little helper - his 2nd mommy. All I ever wanted was to be married, pregnant and raising children. What I couldn't figure out was why this verse? 

God promised me a husband and family, then I get this verse???? Well, on 4/22/13 I did become the Barren Woman when I was forced to have a hysterectomy and oopherectomy (my uterus and ovaries removed) because of an Ovarian Cancer diagnosis on 4/9/13. I was 43, married, had 2 beautiful bonus daughters and now had to go through chemo with no hope of ever becoming pregnant and feeling what it was like to have life growing inside of you. 

I became the woman in this verse - the barren woman who had numerous spiritual children and a husband but no children from my husband. . . . and I'm supposed to sing and shout for joy???

Over the past 6 years and many internal & external struggles I have come to find the Singing and Joy of the Lord has never left. Please stay with me as I share this journey with you . . . 

A Barren Woman Born with A Mother's Heart