Smiling Through It All

 A friend mentioned once that in every picture she ever saw of me I was always smiling. When I was diagnosed with cancer, she again mentioned whenever she saw me I always was smiling. She told me seeing me smile while going through chemo really encouraged her. 

Friends & family admired and wondered at Brittany when she was going through all her ups and downs with cancer because she kept her smile at all times. Even my niece, who has spina bifida, with all her surgeries, pain and issues has a constant smile. 

The questions many ask me, us, is why? Why do you smile all the time? How do you keep smiling all the time? You had cancer, your child died . . . how and why can you smile?

Well, there are 2 answers. The first is the one that always gets a nod and a pat on the shoulder: "I am a Christian, and I know no matter what God has things under control." The second answer is: "What else do you expect? I can't change the situation by crying all the time."

Let's look at the second response first: Can I change the fact that I have cancer if I cry or am upset or angry all the time about it? The answer is a big NO! What happens if I have that kind of attitude is I become more miserable and make everyone around me miserable. It's not their fault, my fault or the doctor/nurses' fault that I'm sick. The reason I have cancer, have to go through this crappy treatment, is because there is sin, death and the devil in this world. 

So many woman, actually the majority, have trouble with losing their hair. They seem fine with having to lose their lady parts, have poison pumped into their body and be super sick . . . but be bald for a few months! Heaven forbid!! For me not having hair was the best part. It was the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful. It showed me how much pressure society puts on women and girls to reflect their beauty through what their hair looks like. Me - I smiled through being bald. Shaving my head was the only thing I could control - so smile and control it. 

Chemo

Hair shave day

Now, the big reason I, Brittany and my niece can and always will smile through all our adveristy. We are Christians. We believe God has always done what He said He would do and always will! We have a steadfast, strong faith in Jesus, and we don't let go of it. A faith which has grown stronger through all the adveristy.

Through adverisity, whether born with a birth defect or diagnosed with cancer, we cling to the joy of the Lord. This is a JOY deep inside of us and nothing can take it away. This JOY is a gift from God. We may have days where we don't feel happy, we cry, get angry, depressed, grieve and have a lot of other emotions. This doesn't mean we don't have JOY. This JOY lets us smile when we grieve. Smile when we cry. Smile even though we have depression. Smile when we're in pain. 

Phil Vasar & Brittany

My niece & Brittany

So don't let the smile fool you . . . it doesn't mean I love my situation. It means even though I'm in a bad situation I'm leaning on the ONE who can take care of the situation, and I don't have to worry. 

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, 

for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8:10

"For I Know The Plans . . . " - Part 3

Wooden Blocks Hurt

After almost a year of living in the apartment, I had to give up and move back in with my parents. It seemed like failure. However, not quite a year later my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. I was able to be there for her when my dad was working third shift.

I then moved with them to a 3-bedroom apartment a few years later. It worked for us. It was during this time in 2007 my stack of blocks began to go a bit higher. The tower was starting to come together and look more like I wanted it to. I found a church home I felt comfortable in, friends and a group I started to hang out with, a singles bible study with people just like me. Things were looking up.

In March of 2009 I started an account on Facebook. It became a fun way to find and connect with people I hadn't seen in a long time. At this time, they had an app called "Speed Date" that was free. Since all the other online dating sites sucked, I figured I'd try this one, just for fun. It was on this app where some more of my wooden blocks started to buld an even better tower. This is where I met Monty.

Monty & I started out chatting in the app, getting to know each other. We messaged each other and instant messaged. Our first phone call was when I was traveling from Appleton to Minnesota - yep, his fault I missed an exit and ended up in Minocqua. We started dating on April 9, 2009 and never really looked back. That June I met his 2 young teen daughters. Another bunch of those wooden blocks added to the ever grown tower.

Things were going well. We were happy, work was good - until May 2010 and I was let go from my job. A few blocks started tumbling. Monty was there to lift me up. We were both struggling financially, and that August made the decision to move two apartments into one. Both of us living in a 900 square foot apartment and occasionally adding his two girls when they came over. Cozy, and fun. I eventually got another job and life returned to normal.

Then, SURPRISE! On November 19, 2011 Monty asked me to marry him. I had planned his 40th birthday party, and we also celebrated Angela's 16th birthday at the same party. Before everyone started leaving he handed me 9 roses with a card that asked me to marry him. Of course, I said YES!  The girls and our family and friends were all so excited. More and more of those wooden blocks were being added to my tower. It was finally staring to look like a house. My beautiful dream house with my wonderful promised family.

We got married on July 28, 2012. The hottest summer I can ever remember, but the best day of my life. Surrounded by family and friends, I became Mrs. Monty Norris and gained two wonderful, beautiful bonus daughters. The day was everything we had planned. We were starting our life together, and now, the second part of what God had promised me could come too. I could now get my family, my babies. Our babies!!

 


February 2013 - wooden blocks began to fall, and they hurt. I began inital testing with a fertility doctor because I was having anovulatory cycles (not ovulating). During one test, a hysterosonogram, the doctor saw a large cyst on my left ovary. They referred me to a gynecologic oncologist (gyn/onc). This sent me spiraling to the fact that I had cancer!

Monty & I went to the first gyn/onc appointment on March 23, 2013. We met my doctor, Dr B. He didn't think it was much of anything since it was fluid filled. I was scheduled for surgery the following week - Monday April 1, 2013 - yes, April Fools Day!

On April 9, 2013, I had my follow up from the surgery. It was that day, on the 4th anniversary of the day we started dating, we first heard the words "I'm sorry to have to tell you, but you have Ovarian Cancer." That "nothing cyst" was benign endometriosis coming from my left ovary, going behind my uterus and around my right ovary. In the surgery, Dr B took the endometrial cyst and my left ovary. Inside the ovary is where they found Clear Cell Ovarian Cancer. Wooden Blocks began to fall all over. I couldn't go anywhere to keep them from hitting me.

I had to have a second surgery for staging. This one was done on April 29. They took my uterus, right ovary and omentum. No other cancer was found. I was staged at Stage 1C Clear Cell. Because clear cell is an aggressive cell type of ovarian cancer, I had to have chemotherapy. I had an IP (interperitoneal) and IV port placed. Unfortunately the IP port didn't work, so I got 6 cycles of IV chemo. Wooden blocks falling and falling all over!!

No hair, bone pain, missing work, some nausea and in the end NO BABIES!!!
All those wooden blocks that had been so neatly and beautifully stacked were now crumbled at my feet, my body scarred, burised and broken by them hitting me as they fell. What could I do? There was no way to put these back together. None of it made sense anymore.




My husband didn't understand, no one in my life could understand.

Yes, I was alive. Yes, I had bonus daughters. Yes, there was always fostering and adopting. But I wanted to experience being pregnant, giving birth, holding MY OWN BABY!!!

Finally, a simple verse in a sermon at church one night began to bring a little comfort:

Jeremiah 29: 10-13 (NIV)
This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

There were no more blocks. Only God. I just had to rely on Him. Seek Him, listen to Him. Stop playing with blocks and getting hurt. Go back and look at that promise, see what He had really said and what He had given me. What HIS plans for me were and are.

Gone Too Soon?

A few weeks ago, an event triggered the thoughts for writing this post. Christian singer, TobyMac's son, Truett, died at the age of 21. Many fans posted condolences on his page and in their sentiments added that it was sad to see him "gone too soon" or "taken so soon." We received a lot of these same sentiments when Brittany went to her heavenly home. It took time for me to realize and understand that "gone too soon" is not something God wants us to focus on.

In my own grief over Britt, I needed to make sense of why young children with what I saw as their whole lives ahead of them died at such young ages. Brittany was 19!! Our friend's daughter was 14!! Being in the cancer community I am constantly seeing small children, young children, babies who have barely had a chance to live, dying every day from horrible disease! GOD THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!

It was then that God reminded me - because of sin, life isn't fair. It took two years to come to terms with this fact. Sin, disease, death -- this is what happens in this world. No matter how much as a parent or stepparent we want to be able to change places with our suffering children, we CAN'T.  I prayed and prayed for God to let me take the cancer from her, to give me a recurrence and let her be cancer free so she could live her life, live her plan, become the wonderful nurse she wanted to be. Realize all the potential we could see in her. 

That's when, through my tears and heart cries, God slapped me in the face with Psalm 139. As I read that familiar Psalm, words that had always been important to me before began to comfort, then I got to verse 15 and 16: 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

It was not up to me to decide if Brittany was too young or too old to die - that's God's job! Before we were born, He knew how many days we would have in our life. He knows how long or short each person's dash is, or even if a person gets a dash. Sickness, personal decisions of individual will - they don't surprise Him! This doesn't mean that we won't get to live how we want or destroy our life or health. However, God expects us to follow Him and make an impact with the life and direction He created us for, that is His blessing to us. 

Brittany, even though she didn't get to become the nurse she wanted to, has left a mark and legacy with her strong faith, love and joy. Her heart for others and her sweet, gentle spirit. We will never forget her - and no parent that has a child living in heaven will ever forget that piece of their family missing here on earth. There will always be grief here, just as there will always be sin, sickness and death. 

Knowing God has each person's days ordained and a special purpose for each of our lives, no matter how long our dash, brings a deep measure of comfort to me. There is NEVER a gone too soon. 

We grieve because we love.