After almost a year of living in the apartment, I had to give up and move back in with my parents. It seemed like failure. However, not quite a year later my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. I was able to be there for her when my dad was working third shift.
I then moved with them to a 3-bedroom apartment a few years later. It worked for us. It was during this time in 2007 my stack of blocks began to go a bit higher. The tower was starting to come together and look more like I wanted it to. I found a church home I felt comfortable in, friends and a group I started to hang out with, a singles bible study with people just like me. Things were looking up.
In March of 2009 I started an account on Facebook. It became a fun way to find and connect with people I hadn't seen in a long time. At this time, they had an app called "Speed Date" that was free. Since all the other online dating sites sucked, I figured I'd try this one, just for fun. It was on this app where some more of my wooden blocks started to buld an even better tower. This is where I met Monty.
Monty & I started out chatting in the app, getting to know each other. We messaged each other and instant messaged. Our first phone call was when I was traveling from Appleton to Minnesota - yep, his fault I missed an exit and ended up in Minocqua. We started dating on April 9, 2009 and never really looked back. That June I met his 2 young teen daughters. Another bunch of those wooden blocks added to the ever grown tower.
Things were going well. We were happy, work was good - until May 2010 and I was let go from my job. A few blocks started tumbling. Monty was there to lift me up. We were both struggling financially, and that August made the decision to move two apartments into one. Both of us living in a 900 square foot apartment and occasionally adding his two girls when they came over. Cozy, and fun. I eventually got another job and life returned to normal.
Then, SURPRISE! On November 19, 2011 Monty asked me to marry him. I had planned his 40th birthday party, and we also celebrated Angela's 16th birthday at the same party. Before everyone started leaving he handed me 9 roses with a card that asked me to marry him. Of course, I said YES! The girls and our family and friends were all so excited. More and more of those wooden blocks were being added to my tower. It was finally staring to look like a house. My beautiful dream house with my wonderful promised family.
February 2013 - wooden blocks began to fall, and they hurt. I began inital testing with a fertility doctor because I was having anovulatory cycles (not ovulating). During one test, a hysterosonogram, the doctor saw a large cyst on my left ovary. They referred me to a gynecologic oncologist (gyn/onc). This sent me spiraling to the fact that I had cancer!
Monty & I went to the first gyn/onc appointment on March 23, 2013. We met my doctor, Dr B. He didn't think it was much of anything since it was fluid filled. I was scheduled for surgery the following week - Monday April 1, 2013 - yes, April Fools Day!
On April 9, 2013, I had my follow up from the surgery. It was that day, on the 4th anniversary of the day we started dating, we first heard the words "I'm sorry to have to tell you, but you have Ovarian Cancer." That "nothing cyst" was benign endometriosis coming from my left ovary, going behind my uterus and around my right ovary. In the surgery, Dr B took the endometrial cyst and my left ovary. Inside the ovary is where they found Clear Cell Ovarian Cancer. Wooden Blocks began to fall all over. I couldn't go anywhere to keep them from hitting me.
I had to have a second surgery for staging. This one was done on April 29. They took my uterus, right ovary and omentum. No other cancer was found. I was staged at Stage 1C Clear Cell. Because clear cell is an aggressive cell type of ovarian cancer, I had to have chemotherapy. I had an IP (interperitoneal) and IV port placed. Unfortunately the IP port didn't work, so I got 6 cycles of IV chemo. Wooden blocks falling and falling all over!!
No hair, bone pain, missing work, some nausea and in the end NO BABIES!!!
All those wooden blocks that had been so neatly and beautifully stacked were now crumbled at my feet, my body scarred, burised and broken by them hitting me as they fell. What could I do? There was no way to put these back together. None of it made sense anymore.
My husband didn't understand, no one in my life could understand.
Yes, I was alive. Yes, I had bonus daughters. Yes, there was always fostering and adopting. But I wanted to experience being pregnant, giving birth, holding MY OWN BABY!!!
Finally, a simple verse in a sermon at church one night began to bring a little comfort:
Jeremiah 29: 10-13 (NIV)
This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
There were no more blocks. Only God. I just had to rely on Him. Seek Him, listen to Him. Stop playing with blocks and getting hurt. Go back and look at that promise, see what He had really said and what He had given me. What HIS plans for me were and are.
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