Grief: Who

Who Am I Grieving? 

A person, a pet? When you talk about grieving, this is the grief people naturally assume you are talking about.

Everyone, at some point, will lose a person they love. It’s a given with our sinful nature, with the dying world we live in.  Even Jesus is shown grieving for his friend Lazarus. I do love the picture this shows us. Jesus loved his friend. Jesus grieved his friend. The reason we grieve the loss of people in our lives is because we love.

As a Christian, grief can be different. For me, when Brittany died, it was a tough mixture of sadness and joy. It hurt and broke me in pieces and places I didn’t know could break and hurt. Knowing she wasn’t going to be around to talk with, laugh with, celebrate & cry with. Not hearing her voice or her laugh. Not seeing her graduate from college, fall in love, get married, have a family, the nursing career she’d dreamed of. . . That was the deep pain.

Senior Pictures

But the joy? The deep joy? That joy came from knowing where she stepped when she took her last breath on earth. We had heard her, only 3 days earlier, confess with a strong confidence who she was going to see when she died. She believed with her whole being that Jesus was her Savior and  He had been with her through every storm and fire she faced. My joy came from knowing she was in Heaven, walking streets of gold, sitting with Jesus.

I’m not trying to say grieving a loved one, especially a 19-year-old daughter, is easier as a Christian. What I am saying is at the end of the day, whether good or bad, I know for sure when I die, I’ll see Brittany again.

For me Brittany’s death also did one thing I wasn’t really expecting. It sent me farther into depression I hadn’t recognized I had. It also showed me I needed some help. I started with talking to a couple friends I knew struggled with depression to see if I really was dealing with depression. Next, I found a good Christian counselor. This counselor is also the person who helped me see there was more to my grief picture than just grieving Brittany.

Brittany's loss, just like when I lost my grandparents and the loss of all my Teal Sisters, will always be a part of me. Grief will always be there. I think about Britt every day. What would she be doing, what stories would she be telling us from work. How many families would she have comforted by now, how many children would she have bonded with through their shared experiences? How excited would she be as her big sister's wedding day is getting closer? How many races would she have gone to with her dad? How many sticker wars would we have had by now on messenger? Would she be happy that her dad and I joined the rest of the world and finally got "real" cell phones? How often would she be texting me? 

Each day there are ups and downs. Smiles and tears. That's how grief for someone you love works. That's how the rest of my life without Brittany will work. . . .