Grief: Who

Who Am I Grieving? 

A person, a pet? When you talk about grieving, this is the grief people naturally assume you are talking about.

Everyone, at some point, will lose a person they love. It’s a given with our sinful nature, with the dying world we live in.  Even Jesus is shown grieving for his friend Lazarus. I do love the picture this shows us. Jesus loved his friend. Jesus grieved his friend. The reason we grieve the loss of people in our lives is because we love.

As a Christian, grief can be different. For me, when Brittany died, it was a tough mixture of sadness and joy. It hurt and broke me in pieces and places I didn’t know could break and hurt. Knowing she wasn’t going to be around to talk with, laugh with, celebrate & cry with. Not hearing her voice or her laugh. Not seeing her graduate from college, fall in love, get married, have a family, the nursing career she’d dreamed of. . . That was the deep pain.

Senior Pictures

But the joy? The deep joy? That joy came from knowing where she stepped when she took her last breath on earth. We had heard her, only 3 days earlier, confess with a strong confidence who she was going to see when she died. She believed with her whole being that Jesus was her Savior and  He had been with her through every storm and fire she faced. My joy came from knowing she was in Heaven, walking streets of gold, sitting with Jesus.

I’m not trying to say grieving a loved one, especially a 19-year-old daughter, is easier as a Christian. What I am saying is at the end of the day, whether good or bad, I know for sure when I die, I’ll see Brittany again.

For me Brittany’s death also did one thing I wasn’t really expecting. It sent me farther into depression I hadn’t recognized I had. It also showed me I needed some help. I started with talking to a couple friends I knew struggled with depression to see if I really was dealing with depression. Next, I found a good Christian counselor. This counselor is also the person who helped me see there was more to my grief picture than just grieving Brittany.

Brittany's loss, just like when I lost my grandparents and the loss of all my Teal Sisters, will always be a part of me. Grief will always be there. I think about Britt every day. What would she be doing, what stories would she be telling us from work. How many families would she have comforted by now, how many children would she have bonded with through their shared experiences? How excited would she be as her big sister's wedding day is getting closer? How many races would she have gone to with her dad? How many sticker wars would we have had by now on messenger? Would she be happy that her dad and I joined the rest of the world and finally got "real" cell phones? How often would she be texting me? 

Each day there are ups and downs. Smiles and tears. That's how grief for someone you love works. That's how the rest of my life without Brittany will work. . . . 

 

Smiling Through It All

 A friend mentioned once that in every picture she ever saw of me I was always smiling. When I was diagnosed with cancer, she again mentioned whenever she saw me I always was smiling. She told me seeing me smile while going through chemo really encouraged her. 

Friends & family admired and wondered at Brittany when she was going through all her ups and downs with cancer because she kept her smile at all times. Even my niece, who has spina bifida, with all her surgeries, pain and issues has a constant smile. 

The questions many ask me, us, is why? Why do you smile all the time? How do you keep smiling all the time? You had cancer, your child died . . . how and why can you smile?

Well, there are 2 answers. The first is the one that always gets a nod and a pat on the shoulder: "I am a Christian, and I know no matter what God has things under control." The second answer is: "What else do you expect? I can't change the situation by crying all the time."

Let's look at the second response first: Can I change the fact that I have cancer if I cry or am upset or angry all the time about it? The answer is a big NO! What happens if I have that kind of attitude is I become more miserable and make everyone around me miserable. It's not their fault, my fault or the doctor/nurses' fault that I'm sick. The reason I have cancer, have to go through this crappy treatment, is because there is sin, death and the devil in this world. 

So many woman, actually the majority, have trouble with losing their hair. They seem fine with having to lose their lady parts, have poison pumped into their body and be super sick . . . but be bald for a few months! Heaven forbid!! For me not having hair was the best part. It was the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful. It showed me how much pressure society puts on women and girls to reflect their beauty through what their hair looks like. Me - I smiled through being bald. Shaving my head was the only thing I could control - so smile and control it. 

Chemo

Hair shave day

Now, the big reason I, Brittany and my niece can and always will smile through all our adveristy. We are Christians. We believe God has always done what He said He would do and always will! We have a steadfast, strong faith in Jesus, and we don't let go of it. A faith which has grown stronger through all the adveristy.

Through adverisity, whether born with a birth defect or diagnosed with cancer, we cling to the joy of the Lord. This is a JOY deep inside of us and nothing can take it away. This JOY is a gift from God. We may have days where we don't feel happy, we cry, get angry, depressed, grieve and have a lot of other emotions. This doesn't mean we don't have JOY. This JOY lets us smile when we grieve. Smile when we cry. Smile even though we have depression. Smile when we're in pain. 

Phil Vasar & Brittany

My niece & Brittany

So don't let the smile fool you . . . it doesn't mean I love my situation. It means even though I'm in a bad situation I'm leaning on the ONE who can take care of the situation, and I don't have to worry. 

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, 

for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8:10