The Things People Say

When you are diagnosed with cancer, you'll be surprised at all the things people will say to you. Some of those around you immediately become doctors and cancer specialist. Some who you thought were intelligent, will immediately show how insensitive and unintelligent they can be. While others will become totally oblivious. 

One of my first experiences with the oblivious and insensitive was when Monty and I made a stop at our local chapter of the American Cancer Society (ACS). My mom told me to check with them, since she had been able to go to a class called "Look Good, Feel Better" through their programs. She went and was shown make-up techniques and given make-up, a few caps and had a chance to receive a free wig. 

We entered the building and were greeted at the reception desk by a smiling volunteer. So far, so good. Right? The volunteer asked how she could help us. With Monty next to me, I explained I had recently (just the week before) been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. We were looking for information on the cancer and any groups,  as well as information on the "Look Good, Feel Better" class. 

The volunteer's response: "I don't know about that class. I know we used to have them, but I don't really think we do that anymore." She then moved some things on the desk and sat down, looked at us and said, "Oh, Ovarian Cancer? My mom had that when she was 80. She died from it you know." She handed me a pamphlet called Eating the Rainbow to Reduce Your Risk of Cancer. Yep! Sad but true. We haven't done much of anything with ACS since that day.

Obviously I didn't get to that class! 

Of course, I like everyone else diagnosed with cancer, had and still have my "experts without a MD": 

- A dear friend, who unfortnately a few years after my diagnosis was diagnosed with breast cancer and chose to fight her own way and is now in heaven - "After all those things we talked about, and I know God put on your heart about your family and having children, I just don't think the surgery and chemo is the way to go. There are so many natural cures for cancer." 

- A well-meaning Facebook Friend - "You know, I've heard using __________ and eating kale can help with killing cancer." 

- Several people giving their opinions to try keeping me healthy - "You know chemo is poison. It's worse than cancer!" (Thanks, didn't know that! Of course it's poison, it kills cells in your body! DUH!) 

Yep. I love all my friends dearly. Sometimes people just don't know what to say when confronted by those in their life who have a potentionally terminal illness. However, I personally feel if you don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable - not my problem. I'm having enough of my own issues dealing with this disease and fight, I don't have time to be nice and polite to your stupid!! 

Of course then there are those people who are totally oblivious to what's infront of them. I had several people at work who were just soooo completely oblivious it was painful!! 

- I had just gotten back to work for my 9 days after my second or third treatment, it was well known at work that I had cancer. (I worked in an office of 25 employees and was bald. It was too hot going through menopause and being summer to wear hats or my wig.) I was heating my lunch in the breakroom. One of our newer salespeople came in, looked at me then at the microwave. . . . 

    

    Salesperson: "Is that you're lunch in there?" 

    Me: "Yep." (just waiting for my food so I could go back to my desk, take off my mask and eat) 

   Salesperson, straightface, looking right at me, deadpan: "You know microwaving food in plastic can give you cancer. Right?" 

   Me, raised eyebrow, rubbing a hand on my BALD head: "Hum, REALLY?!?!?" (insert sarcasm) "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and haircut." 

Before it all completely fell out, but you get the idea.

- Another day at work when the air conditioning wasn't working right and my little desk fan was not doing its job either, I was talking to a friend/co-worker who was always cold. Another older female co-worker in the cubicle next to mine was listening in and just had to put in her two cents. 

   

   Cold co-worker: "I just can't believe you're always so hot!" 

   Me: "Well, that's what menopause will do for  you. Here," I stuck my arms out for her. "warm up on my arm, the perpetual heater." She put her icy hands on my arm and we laughed. 

   Nosey Co-worker: "What are you talking about? You're too young for menopause." 

  Both of us turn and look at her. 

  Me: "Um . . . remember those surgeries I had in April and May? When I was out for all those weeks? When they remove your ovaries they take out your thermostats and force you into menopause. So. . . . I guess I'm old enough!" 

However, the worst and toughest are those who have made it through college and are medical professionals, but as a cancer survivor, I still have to give them anatomy lessons. These are the most painful and unintenionally hurtful things I have ever had said to me. (And I grew up with 4 brothers!) Things not just myself, but many other of my Teal Survivor Sisters in the same poisiton feel we shouldn't have to tell or teach medical professionals such as: x-ray technicians, mammogram technicians, CNAs, nurses, doctors and anyone checking us in for medical appointments of any kind. Maybe if you're a survivor like me, you have guessed what's coming next, if not hang on and no judging the survivor!! 

At every physical with your primary care physician, if you are female, you get asked a standard list of questions every year. I personally think the medical professionals who have to ask these questions hundreds of times a week get stuck in a progression of asking and not take into consideration the patient's chart. 

One of the first questions is - when was your last period? This one makes me want to scream. My chart, which you have on the OPEN computer infront of you and I can even see what it says, states right at the top: Primay Diagnoses - #1 Ovarian Cancer. The next box down has a list of all my surgeries which include: Complete Hysterectomy, Salipingectomy, Oophorectomy and Omentectomy - 2013. When I point this out, I get a blank stare and "When was your last menstrual cycle?" Sometimes I'm sure when I dramatically roll my eyes they're gonna stay that way, especially when I sarcastically say "March 2013" After this information I am usually looked at like I am an alien and need to repeat the whole 15 minute rundown of what is on my chart RIGHT INFRONT OF THEM!! I have even gotten a response after that of "Is there any way you could be pregnant today?" I just shake my head in disbelief and usually give no answer! 

However, the most painful is every mammogram, x-ray, CT scan or PET scan when the question I most dread comes up. "Could you be pregnant today?" I usually get an eyeroll or strange look from the teck when I ask if they have even read my chart. I mean once again, it's right there on the top and I figure they had to have taken anatomy & physiology in college. 

I can honestly say, the worst day of my life was the day I had my first mammogram after I finished chemo. It was only 5 months after I had finished treatment and 10 months after my diagnosis. My emotions and grief were very new and raw. I was barely through my first year of dealing with being in menopause, was getting over a lot of the after effects of chemo and hadn't even started to face the depression and grief I had weighing on me. I was NOT prepared for this question at all. '

I was in my gown & robe, nake from the waist up. The tech & I were in the mammogram room. She shoved a clipboard at me with a stack of papers on it and said, "When was your last menstrual cycle? Could you be pregnant today?" 

I started to tear up and just looked at her dumbfounded. I tried to talk and was too choked up. I swallowed a few times and then the anger started. "NO! There is NO chance in hell I could be pregnant. I have Ovarian Cancer and just finished chemo! I had every part that it takes to make a baby taken out almost a year ago! You would know this if you took the time to read my chart you have pulled up infront of you!!! Even I can see from here under my name it says OVARIAN CANCER HYSTERECTOMY! THAT USUALLY INDICATES NO PARTS TO MAKE A BABY!!!!"  I sat there with hot, angry tears running down my cheeks. 

She just looked at m:e, handed me a pen and asked, "So is there a chance you could be pregnant? Just read and sign this form." 

"WHAT??" I looked at her in disbelief. "I demand a new tech to do my mammogram today! If you truly do not know your human anatomy enough to know that without reproductive parts I have NO CHANCE of being pregnant, I have ZERO trust in you to know where my boobs are much less know how to run this machine! Please go get me a new tech, NOW!!" 

She stared at me a few more moments, then went to get her supervisor. I could hear them talking in the hall about "the patient from hell" and "what was all the yelling about". Worst mammogram and day of my life!! That day I decided I needed a shirt to wear to all future mammograms and scan appointments that said "Last Period - 3/2013 No Parts No Pregnant" (In all honesty I still need to get that shirt made.) 

Even though I have had to repeat the "I don't have the parts os I could NOT possibly be pregnant" speech to almost every tech since, I have come to realize, after 6 years, this is part of my educating others about Ovarian Cancer. I always have symptom cards in my purse or pocket to hand out to the techs, nurses and even doctors who don't understand what those big, long words on my chart mean for my treatment. And . . . this past October when I had the very first tech ever who knew what Ovarian Cancer was and what it meant to have had a hysterectomy, it was the BEST mammogram ever!!

I honestly hope people don't try to be mean or stupid. I really hope they are trying with the best of intentions, to hand their own discomfort with cancer and the possibility of looking death in the face. I also feel, that as the patient and survivor I don't always have to care about the other person's feelings or if they are going to be offended. Your issues are not my concern when I'm fighting for my life or dealing with issues you have no idea about. Yes we all have issues, but when you are a friend, co-worker or medical professional you need to sometimes put your issues down and focus on the person you are talking to, who is going through an obviously rough, trying time. Save your offense and "you're being rude to me" attitude for someone else. 

Close your mouth if you can't figure out what to say. Why? Because sometimes you run into someone like me.

T'MOC & AdvoKate

"For I Know The Plans . . . " - Part 3

Wooden Blocks Hurt

After almost a year of living in the apartment, I had to give up and move back in with my parents. It seemed like failure. However, not quite a year later my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. I was able to be there for her when my dad was working third shift.

I then moved with them to a 3-bedroom apartment a few years later. It worked for us. It was during this time in 2007 my stack of blocks began to go a bit higher. The tower was starting to come together and look more like I wanted it to. I found a church home I felt comfortable in, friends and a group I started to hang out with, a singles bible study with people just like me. Things were looking up.

In March of 2009 I started an account on Facebook. It became a fun way to find and connect with people I hadn't seen in a long time. At this time, they had an app called "Speed Date" that was free. Since all the other online dating sites sucked, I figured I'd try this one, just for fun. It was on this app where some more of my wooden blocks started to buld an even better tower. This is where I met Monty.

Monty & I started out chatting in the app, getting to know each other. We messaged each other and instant messaged. Our first phone call was when I was traveling from Appleton to Minnesota - yep, his fault I missed an exit and ended up in Minocqua. We started dating on April 9, 2009 and never really looked back. That June I met his 2 young teen daughters. Another bunch of those wooden blocks added to the ever grown tower.

Things were going well. We were happy, work was good - until May 2010 and I was let go from my job. A few blocks started tumbling. Monty was there to lift me up. We were both struggling financially, and that August made the decision to move two apartments into one. Both of us living in a 900 square foot apartment and occasionally adding his two girls when they came over. Cozy, and fun. I eventually got another job and life returned to normal.

Then, SURPRISE! On November 19, 2011 Monty asked me to marry him. I had planned his 40th birthday party, and we also celebrated Angela's 16th birthday at the same party. Before everyone started leaving he handed me 9 roses with a card that asked me to marry him. Of course, I said YES!  The girls and our family and friends were all so excited. More and more of those wooden blocks were being added to my tower. It was finally staring to look like a house. My beautiful dream house with my wonderful promised family.

We got married on July 28, 2012. The hottest summer I can ever remember, but the best day of my life. Surrounded by family and friends, I became Mrs. Monty Norris and gained two wonderful, beautiful bonus daughters. The day was everything we had planned. We were starting our life together, and now, the second part of what God had promised me could come too. I could now get my family, my babies. Our babies!!

 


February 2013 - wooden blocks began to fall, and they hurt. I began inital testing with a fertility doctor because I was having anovulatory cycles (not ovulating). During one test, a hysterosonogram, the doctor saw a large cyst on my left ovary. They referred me to a gynecologic oncologist (gyn/onc). This sent me spiraling to the fact that I had cancer!

Monty & I went to the first gyn/onc appointment on March 23, 2013. We met my doctor, Dr B. He didn't think it was much of anything since it was fluid filled. I was scheduled for surgery the following week - Monday April 1, 2013 - yes, April Fools Day!

On April 9, 2013, I had my follow up from the surgery. It was that day, on the 4th anniversary of the day we started dating, we first heard the words "I'm sorry to have to tell you, but you have Ovarian Cancer." That "nothing cyst" was benign endometriosis coming from my left ovary, going behind my uterus and around my right ovary. In the surgery, Dr B took the endometrial cyst and my left ovary. Inside the ovary is where they found Clear Cell Ovarian Cancer. Wooden Blocks began to fall all over. I couldn't go anywhere to keep them from hitting me.

I had to have a second surgery for staging. This one was done on April 29. They took my uterus, right ovary and omentum. No other cancer was found. I was staged at Stage 1C Clear Cell. Because clear cell is an aggressive cell type of ovarian cancer, I had to have chemotherapy. I had an IP (interperitoneal) and IV port placed. Unfortunately the IP port didn't work, so I got 6 cycles of IV chemo. Wooden blocks falling and falling all over!!

No hair, bone pain, missing work, some nausea and in the end NO BABIES!!!
All those wooden blocks that had been so neatly and beautifully stacked were now crumbled at my feet, my body scarred, burised and broken by them hitting me as they fell. What could I do? There was no way to put these back together. None of it made sense anymore.




My husband didn't understand, no one in my life could understand.

Yes, I was alive. Yes, I had bonus daughters. Yes, there was always fostering and adopting. But I wanted to experience being pregnant, giving birth, holding MY OWN BABY!!!

Finally, a simple verse in a sermon at church one night began to bring a little comfort:

Jeremiah 29: 10-13 (NIV)
This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

There were no more blocks. Only God. I just had to rely on Him. Seek Him, listen to Him. Stop playing with blocks and getting hurt. Go back and look at that promise, see what He had really said and what He had given me. What HIS plans for me were and are.

"For I Know the Plans . . ." Part 2

Here I was, living in Minnesota almost 7 years after God promised me a husband and family. I had friends who believed the same thing as me, we had our own "Christian singles group" because we were tired of the singles groups we found at church. Most of the people who attended had been married once or twice before, had children . . . they needed different things spiritualy and we just didn't feel like we fit in; especially the night I went alone, and they were studying Ephesians 5. A chapter I hold near and dear to my heart.

Ephesians 5 talks about marriage, in some cases people know it as the "submission" chapter. After all the studying I had done, I had bought a Concordance & Bible Dictionary, so I was doing some serious studying. I knew what that Greek word "submission" meant. My "take" on it didn't go well with the group, even with Biblical backing. No more singles group for me at church!

Then the first BOMB hit! My pretty plastic block tower got bumped into by my brother! He's 15 months younger than me, had been dating a wonderful girl for many years and decided to get engaged to her!!! WAIT GOD!! I was supposed to be engaged first! I've been waiting, doing everything you asked me to! Doing it all right!!

Then bomb #2! More blocks fell as my next younger brother (3 1/2 years younger!) announced his engagement to the girl he had only been dating for a year and a half!! NO!!!! NO!! NO!

Then bomb #3 - 6 months after that first brother got married, they announced they were pregnant!
NOT FAIR GOD!!! NOT FAIR!!! More of those newly placed plastic blocks fell and I could put them back right.

In less than 2 years two of my brothers had taken my blocks away!

My first niece was born in 1999. She was beautiful, healthy and amazing. In 2002, her sister was born. She was also healthy, but born with the birth defect - Spina Bifida. I headed home to Wisconsin to visit the new addition. I wasn't working my office job anymore and was picking up hours at the Y to make close to full time, so it was pretty much an open-ended visit if I wanted (this was the beginning of November).

I came home again at Thanksgiving and found out they couldn't find a babysitter who would take both nieces and didn't want to split them up when my sister-in-law went back to work. Within 2 days my decision was made, I was moving back to Wisconsin to nanny my nieces.

My brother knew of a small apartment for me to rent, the upstairs of the new house they were going to be moving into and renting. This was great! I'd be back in Wisconsin, able to grow close to my nieces and have to be in my thirties living with mom & dad! What could be better?

It now seemed I had moved on to the more solid wooden blocks. A bit steadier when built with, or so I thought . . .

For I Know the Plans . . . Part 1

When I was in high school, I had my life all figured out - a Life Plan. Now don't laugh, it was a pretty good plan. 

The Plan: 

- Go to college and become a nurse like mom

- Meet a great guy my junior year (my future husband)

- Get married the year after we graduate college

- Start having babies the year after that, I was planning 3 sets of twins, each set 2 years apart

- Be a stay at home wife & mom

- Live happily ever after 

Good plan, right? Have you ever noticed our plans are like building a tower with blocks? We can build and build and have the best tower, but one thing goes wrong with our plan and the whole thing tumbles like another child fell into it. So, we pick up our blocks, make the base stronger, still holding onto those same blocks. Using the same blocks, we always have to try and put the plan back into place. 

For me, I changed my major because I couldn't handle putting or seeing needles going into an orange, nuch less skin. Then I didn't have money to go back for the first semester of my sophomore year. I met my first realy boyfriend freshman year - he turned out to NOT be the guy I thought (lying, cheating, etc). My blocks fell and fell hard. I spent years scrambling trying to find them all so I could at least pull some of the "perfect plan" back together. 

Finally, I turned back to the only One who could help me figure out The Plan. In 1991, God spoke to my heart and told me to calm myself. He promised me a husband AND a family of my own. All I had to do was be patient, wait and work on getting myself ready for the special man He had for me.

Deep breath . . . so what do I do now? I surround my self with books, bible studies, friends, teachers and classes through church. I deepen my relationship with God. Learn and study. I became a proponent for Waiting vs Dating. I began to see that being single and never married was a blessing, a special time that I could minister to others in a way I never would be able to again.  

This time I made another list, with God's help. The list of 30 biblical qualities my future husband needed. Each characteristic backed up with at least one Bible verse. Honestly, I this was some busy work God gave me to keep my mind off making another plan (ha ha ha). 

God also had me make a list of 30 biblical qualities I needed to work on to become the wife for that man. The man He made just for me. Let me tell you, that was NOT a pretty or easy list to make. If I'm honest, those are things I'm still working on. 

I worked on the lists, worked at my job, volunteered in the church nursery, went to church as much as I could, had fun with my friends and family; slowly rebuilding that tower of blocks again. This time though they weren't the soft cloth infant blocks. They were the pretty colored, chewable plastic ones the older infants and toddlers play with. The ones that start to hurt a little when they fall . . . 

Gone Too Soon?

A few weeks ago, an event triggered the thoughts for writing this post. Christian singer, TobyMac's son, Truett, died at the age of 21. Many fans posted condolences on his page and in their sentiments added that it was sad to see him "gone too soon" or "taken so soon." We received a lot of these same sentiments when Brittany went to her heavenly home. It took time for me to realize and understand that "gone too soon" is not something God wants us to focus on.

In my own grief over Britt, I needed to make sense of why young children with what I saw as their whole lives ahead of them died at such young ages. Brittany was 19!! Our friend's daughter was 14!! Being in the cancer community I am constantly seeing small children, young children, babies who have barely had a chance to live, dying every day from horrible disease! GOD THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!

It was then that God reminded me - because of sin, life isn't fair. It took two years to come to terms with this fact. Sin, disease, death -- this is what happens in this world. No matter how much as a parent or stepparent we want to be able to change places with our suffering children, we CAN'T.  I prayed and prayed for God to let me take the cancer from her, to give me a recurrence and let her be cancer free so she could live her life, live her plan, become the wonderful nurse she wanted to be. Realize all the potential we could see in her. 

That's when, through my tears and heart cries, God slapped me in the face with Psalm 139. As I read that familiar Psalm, words that had always been important to me before began to comfort, then I got to verse 15 and 16: 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

It was not up to me to decide if Brittany was too young or too old to die - that's God's job! Before we were born, He knew how many days we would have in our life. He knows how long or short each person's dash is, or even if a person gets a dash. Sickness, personal decisions of individual will - they don't surprise Him! This doesn't mean that we won't get to live how we want or destroy our life or health. However, God expects us to follow Him and make an impact with the life and direction He created us for, that is His blessing to us. 

Brittany, even though she didn't get to become the nurse she wanted to, has left a mark and legacy with her strong faith, love and joy. Her heart for others and her sweet, gentle spirit. We will never forget her - and no parent that has a child living in heaven will ever forget that piece of their family missing here on earth. There will always be grief here, just as there will always be sin, sickness and death. 

Knowing God has each person's days ordained and a special purpose for each of our lives, no matter how long our dash, brings a deep measure of comfort to me. There is NEVER a gone too soon. 

We grieve because we love. 

Lessons From A Rose Bush

Earlier this spring while cleaning our flower beds, two of the rose bushes we planted last year appeared dead. We are always looking for good deals, so we waited. One night in August we found a new one to replace one of them - that was dear to us.

The next weekend when I went to plant the new rose, the one that was truly dead, I had to cut back some overgrowth and weeds. That's when I saw it - the second rose bush we had given up as dead. 
As I clipped the overgrowth and pulled it away, I wasn't expecting what I saw or the lesson that hit my heart. 

I have renamed that little bush our Survivor Rose and here is why: 

Last year it bloomed beautifully. In spring when clearing away the debris, vines, weeds and overgrowth from fall we saw dead sticks. No new growth, no signs of life. We didn't pay it much attention at all this growing and blooming season. 

Now, there were more vines and overgrowth to clear away before I could plant the new rose in the other space. As I snipped and worked, my mind was on the new rose and how much room I was going to need to plant it properly. 

Imagine my surprise when from under the vines a beautiful, green little rose bush appeared. It even had a rose hip with brown dried petals still on it. This little, left for dead rose flourished and survived when no one believed in it except its Creator. Even in its adverse conditions - not getting enough sunlight, not getting the ideal rain/water through all the weeds and vines competing for those things - it still flourished. It didn't give up!! It kept on doing what its Creator made it to do. That little rose bush was just waiting doing what it needed to do until the day someone came along and helped it be able to show the world just how strong it really was. That bush is a Survivor - no matter what the hardships it fought its way through and even though it needed help it came through and Survived!! 

The lesson that brought tears to my eyes?

It doesn't matter if others may give up on you. It doesn't matter what hardships you have to go through, the obstacles in your way. All that matters is that you keep focused on what God - your Creator - has made you to do and do it. You are going to have to struggle, fight and even sometimes work to hard to stay alive but in the end with a little help - no matter what form God sends that help in (friends, family, a doctor, medicine or counselor) - you will breakthrough and show the world your purpose and your strength!! 

So right now, if you feel your life is covered with darkness, weeds, vines. If you feel everyone has given up on you. Keep on blooming - keep doing what God has made you to do. And know - Help is on the way!!

Isaiah 54:1

Why the name of this blog? There are many reasons behind it, but let's start with the earliest one.

Back in the late 90's I was living in Minnesota, going to a wonderful church, working a temp job and had a nice group of friends. The only thing missing, in my eyes, was my husband. In 1991 I know God spoke to me and promised me a husband and family. We were now several years past that promise and I was getting older - for goodness sake I was almost 30!! I wanted all those babies I was praying for!!

During one of my many personal studies on dating vs waiting, I received this verse. Isaiah 54:1

"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; 

burst into song, shout for joy, 

you who were never in labor; 

because more are the children of the desolate woman 

than those of her who has a husband,"

says the Lord.

Ok, well then . . . on to some other translations and paraphrases. Found one that said - "because more are the spirtual children" I could see that. I had spent most of my years until that point taking care of everyone else's children: babysitting, daycare, friends' children . . .you name it.

 I LOVE children. From pretty much day one I was nurturing my baby dolls. My first brother was born when I was 15 months old, I was momma's little helper - his 2nd mommy. All I ever wanted was to be married, pregnant and raising children. What I couldn't figure out was why this verse? 

God promised me a husband and family, then I get this verse???? Well, on 4/22/13 I did become the Barren Woman when I was forced to have a hysterectomy and oopherectomy (my uterus and ovaries removed) because of an Ovarian Cancer diagnosis on 4/9/13. I was 43, married, had 2 beautiful bonus daughters and now had to go through chemo with no hope of ever becoming pregnant and feeling what it was like to have life growing inside of you. 

I became the woman in this verse - the barren woman who had numerous spiritual children and a husband but no children from my husband. . . . and I'm supposed to sing and shout for joy???

Over the past 6 years and many internal & external struggles I have come to find the Singing and Joy of the Lord has never left. Please stay with me as I share this journey with you . . . 

A Barren Woman Born with A Mother's Heart