A Mother's Heart

 What is a mother's heart? How do you know if you have a mother's heart? Why does God give women a mother's heart and then not give her children to mother? 

These and so many other questions come to mind most days of my life, especially since April, 2013. I even have had times of wondering if I truly do have a mother's heart. 

Over the past couple years, working through things with my counselor, I have come to realize that I definitely was born with the heart of a mother. Not just a mother, a mom . . . mommy, momma. From the day I received my first baby doll I have mothered. From the day my parents brought home my first baby brother - I have mothered. 

What makes up that part deep inside, that inborn part, the heart that makes someone a mother, a nurturer? Not just someone who loves babies. Who loves snuggles, who can't get enough of the scent of a newborn's head. But someone who is a true nurturer, caretaker and connects with children and others on a level that takes patience, humbleness, empathy, and a number of other inborn skills. My mom and both grandmas had mother's hearts. My mother-in-law as well. Maybe this is where my deep desire to have children, biological children, has come from. 

In my life, I have always gravitated to babies and young children. I have babysat since I was 9 years old, helped take care of my brothers since I was 6 and 7. I worked in daycare for many years, and now am working there again. I have mentored teenagers, nannied my nieces and even fallen in love with my 2 bonus daughters. This mothering instinct doesn't stop there. I have taken other women under my wing, mentored younger women at work. Also, have worked in the church nursery as well as lead a small group of middle school girls at church in  confirmation class. 

All those years ago, when I felt God put the verse of Isaiah 54:1 on my heart, I figured it couldn't be for me. I thought maybe it was a ministry. In April, 2013 when I became the woman in this verse

“Shout for joy, O barren one, she who has not given birth;
Break forth into joyful shouting and rejoice, she who has not gone into labor [with child]!
For the [spiritual] sons of the desolate one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord. (AMP)

                                             

I became the barren woman on April 29, 2013, after having the second surgery for staging the Ovarian Cancer I was diagnosed with on April 9, 2013. I was angry. Angry at God! God, who gave me a Mother's Heart and then wouldn't let me bear my husband's children.

These are my cousins, nieces, and just a few of the other children I have had the pleasure and honor of having in my life. There have been so many others. 

The Characteristics of This Mother's Heart

Empathetic

Caring 

Nurturing

Loving

Playful

Creative

Willing to snuggle

Willing to listen

God fearing

                                         

I also try to take a page out of Mr Roger's book each and every day. I hope to validate each child, make them feel special and validate their feelings.  

After several years of counseling, hard work, and prayer; I have finally come to realize although I will never become pregnant or give birth to a child, I have and will have many, many "spiritual" children. All of them I will forever carry in my heart. 

The reminder is constantly with me: GOD is NOT the one who gives or brings bad things into our lives. The bad things like cancer, death, barrenness, sickness and more are all caused by the sin and death in the world. We need to take a look at ourselves and the world we live in, stop blaming God and run to Him in times of troubles. Once we realize this and start leaning on Him, we can start healing and begin to see the blessings He honestly has for us. 

God gives the childless mother with a mother's heart abundantly more children to love and nuture than she could ever imagine. He will never make promises He does not keep. Now that I have truly found my song, the Song of My Heart, I can truly sing. 

Smiling Through It All

 A friend mentioned once that in every picture she ever saw of me I was always smiling. When I was diagnosed with cancer, she again mentioned whenever she saw me I always was smiling. She told me seeing me smile while going through chemo really encouraged her. 

Friends & family admired and wondered at Brittany when she was going through all her ups and downs with cancer because she kept her smile at all times. Even my niece, who has spina bifida, with all her surgeries, pain and issues has a constant smile. 

The questions many ask me, us, is why? Why do you smile all the time? How do you keep smiling all the time? You had cancer, your child died . . . how and why can you smile?

Well, there are 2 answers. The first is the one that always gets a nod and a pat on the shoulder: "I am a Christian, and I know no matter what God has things under control." The second answer is: "What else do you expect? I can't change the situation by crying all the time."

Let's look at the second response first: Can I change the fact that I have cancer if I cry or am upset or angry all the time about it? The answer is a big NO! What happens if I have that kind of attitude is I become more miserable and make everyone around me miserable. It's not their fault, my fault or the doctor/nurses' fault that I'm sick. The reason I have cancer, have to go through this crappy treatment, is because there is sin, death and the devil in this world. 

So many woman, actually the majority, have trouble with losing their hair. They seem fine with having to lose their lady parts, have poison pumped into their body and be super sick . . . but be bald for a few months! Heaven forbid!! For me not having hair was the best part. It was the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful. It showed me how much pressure society puts on women and girls to reflect their beauty through what their hair looks like. Me - I smiled through being bald. Shaving my head was the only thing I could control - so smile and control it. 

Chemo

Hair shave day

Now, the big reason I, Brittany and my niece can and always will smile through all our adveristy. We are Christians. We believe God has always done what He said He would do and always will! We have a steadfast, strong faith in Jesus, and we don't let go of it. A faith which has grown stronger through all the adveristy.

Through adverisity, whether born with a birth defect or diagnosed with cancer, we cling to the joy of the Lord. This is a JOY deep inside of us and nothing can take it away. This JOY is a gift from God. We may have days where we don't feel happy, we cry, get angry, depressed, grieve and have a lot of other emotions. This doesn't mean we don't have JOY. This JOY lets us smile when we grieve. Smile when we cry. Smile even though we have depression. Smile when we're in pain. 

Phil Vasar & Brittany

My niece & Brittany

So don't let the smile fool you . . . it doesn't mean I love my situation. It means even though I'm in a bad situation I'm leaning on the ONE who can take care of the situation, and I don't have to worry. 

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, 

for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8:10

What's Up With The Toilet Paper?

 

We Only Put the Toilet Paper on the Holder When Company Comes:

A lesson from my first year of Marriage: Toilet Paper

So, what’s up with the toilet paper? For some this could be a big issue. On the holder. . . off the holder. Paper up . . . paper down. When I moved in with my then boyfriend it drove me crazy that he was constantly taking the toilet paper off the holder. It would sit on the counter next to the sink, on a shelf, on the back of the toilet or sometimes, even on top of the holder! I would put it back on the holder and every time he went in he would take it off . . . a wonderful, vicious cycle. 

After a few months of this, I decided to fix this once and for all. I pulled out a second roll and put it on the holder for me. I left his roll alone. This ended up backfiring too. When he saw the new, full roll he would pull that one off and start using it. Suddenly I had four partial rolls sitting in the bathroom just waiting to fall into any water trap they could find. What to do now? 

That question took me a year and a half to figure out. Once we got married this issue kept happening. Finally I found myself leaving the toilet paper off the holder and resting it on top the holder. Monty still put it on the sink or the shelf, but for the most part it now sits on the holder. The compromise is when we have company coming the toilet paper goes on the holder and any stray partial or almost empty rolls go in the hamper where we store the extra paper products. I was amazed when I discovered I was the one who changed my behavior and came up with the “company compromise.” 

This discovery led to another. In marriage as in any other relationship, you have to pick your battles. Would it have been any major benefit to my marriage or either one of us to constantly harp on each other about where the toilet paper roll rests? Would this battle build either one of us up while tearing the other down? If the answer to the first question is no and the second question is yes, then this is a battle that is better not fought. 

One of the first, big lessons I learned in my marriage – I vowed to honor, love, obey, submit to and respect my husband. If I harp and nag about something as petty as where the toilet paper roll sits that does not show my husband honor, love or respect! When I stopped putting the toilet paper back on the holder and kept my mouth shut, I silently showed my husband he was respected. 

Why don’t other married women let this secret out? All other wives tell you is “pick your battles.” I say, if we didn’t start out viewing them as battles we could focus on a bigger question. Next time your husband does something that seems to annoy you, take a breath and look at the situation closely, dissect it if necessary. Ask yourself those questions I asked myself: 

- Will pursuing this issue have any major, positive benefit to my marriage or either one of us? 
- Will this battle build me up while tearing my husband down? 

If the answer to the first question is no and the second question is yes, this is not an issue you want to turn into a battle. On the other hand, if the first answer is yes and the second is no go for it. 

Once you start respecting your husband in seemingly small ways you will be amazed at the love you feel coming back at you. Respect is what fuels your husband. In his book Love and Respect, Dr. Emerich talks about how God has made women to be fueled by love and men to be fueled by respect. This is a direct command from God. In Ephesians 5:33 God tells us . . . a husband must love his wife as Christ loves His church and a woman must respect her husband. 

By leaving the small, petty things alone you are showing your husband the respect he needs from you. You will also be honoring God with your actions.

(I wrote this 2 years after I had been diagnosed with cancer. If you have been reading this blog, I was diagnosed 8 months after we were married. In our first 5 years of marriage we had bigger fish to fry than where the toilet paper should go and if the dirty clothes were left on the floor.)

A Cure for Cancer

 One thing I was guilt of before cancer affected my family was saying "If they can spend so much money on __________, why can't they cure cancer?" Even after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, the first time, I still didn't understand. It took getting cancer myself and being involved in the cancer community, learning  more and more about cancer and how it works to really understand. 

Here are several "myths" that people often think or even say about cancer and its cure. 

1) "Cancer is a money maker. They have a cure and won't release it." 

2) "They have had enough time, there should be a cure already." 

3) Most recently, "If they can create a vaccine for COVID so fast, why can't they create a cure for cancer, it's been around so much longer?" 

I've only been personally involved in the cancer world for 7.5 years, since my diagnosis. It is relatively a short time compared to how long cancer has been around, and the researchers have been researching. When I first started treatment I was angry that I was being treated for ovarian cancer with chemotherapies that women 30+ years before me had been treated with! Can you imagine??? NO new treatment options for a very lethal gynecologic cancer in 30+ years!!! 

A year or so after I finshed chemo, I started learning about new treatments that were being talked about and clinical trials specifically for ovarian cancer (none for Stage 1 like I was). Good News! Many of these were for PARP Inhibitors and Maintenance Treatments. Still not cures. 

I attended a national conference for ovarian cancer survivors. There is where my education really began. It was at this first and then subsequent conferences that I learned some very important information: Ovarian Cancer, like many other cancers, has many difference cell types. Not all treatments work on all cell types!!! 

Did you hear me in the back!!! I'll repeat it: MANY CANCERS HAVE DIFFERENT CELL TYPES OF THAT CANCER. NOT ALL CELL TYPES RESPOND TO THE SAME TREATMENT!!!

For example, there are more than 30 different types of Ovarian Cancer, 70 different types of  Lymphoma, and 120 types of  Brain Cancer. Each of these types cancer have difference subtypes, affect different cell types and repsond to different treatments, different chemotherapy drugs and radiation. 

With this information, doesn't that lead to you believe there is NOT going to be a one size fits all CURE FOR CANCER????  It only makes sense that with all the different types of cancer, different cells affected and different treatments that are needed to kill the cancer and make survival rates better there is never going to be a single cure for cancer. 

What is needed until we can find cures for ALL cancers? . . . . Early detection tests for cancers that do not have them. Treatments that single out the cancerous cells and don't harm the healthy cells. Treatments with less side effects, either while you are going through treatment or after treatment. And in the case of children who have cancer: treatments that are specific to children, not adult therapies doesd down to children's weights!!!! 

So next time you ask or say "They spent so much money on _______ why can't they find a cure for cancer?" Just remember, cancer is bigger than money, bigger than 1 single cure!! 

Remebering My Teal Sisters Gone in 2020

 At the end of every year the media always makes lists of the celebrities that have died throughout the year. All these "important" people we are not supposed to forget. Well, last year I decided that there are many every day people that are more important than celebrities who we shouldn't forget. 

These are special women: Teal Warriors. Women, girls who heard the same words I did - words that changed their lives forever - "You have Ovarian Cancer." 

These words changed every aspect of their life and the lives of their loved ones. They not only were dosed with poison that was supposed to kill the cancer, even though most treatments are over 30+ years old, most of them were told they were a Stage 3 or 4 because this cancer is so difficult to diagnose!! 

Ovarian Cancer has symptoms, symptoms that speak loudly. Symptoms that may be pushed off as other things - women's regular issues. If you or someone you love has these symptoms for more than 2 weeks consistently, push your doctor for a pelvic exam, pelvic ultrasound and a CA125 blood test!! 

The women and girls, young and old, had lives. They had families, jobs, children. They were mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, best friends, wives. They ARE loved! 

They were nurses, teachers, students, business women, chefs, bankers, athletes. Advocates, Educators!

Each of these women still had much to do in their lives, some were just starting their first chapters; some were starting the later chapters. NO MATTER WHAT - they are real women, real people, real lives no longer on this earth!! 

We remember the following Teal Sisters: 

Desiree Baker - 1/2/20

Susan - 1/3/20

Leila - 1/6/20

Jean Maday - 48 - 1/11/20

Julia - 1/17/20

Terri Gerace - 64 - 1/20/20

Vicky Michelis - 1/27/20

Bernadette Zielinlinski - 50 - 1/29/20

Elena Lowry - 1/30/20

Sue Knabel - 2/1/20

Michele Entenman - 48- 2/5/20

Sam Ainuddin - 2/3/20

Andrea Smith Turley - 2/7/20

Shelia Mullins - 2/17/20

Helen Powell - 2/20

Sarah Ludinich - 24 - 2/20/20

Jeanne Evert - 62 - 2/20/20

Elizabeth Meier - 2/20

Elizabeth McConnell - 3/1/20

Marilyn Calingasan - 3/10/20

Lynne Sherren - 3/11/20

Aleida - 3/20

Kathleen "Kitty Ann" Baierl - 65 - 3/19/20

Janet Fogg - 57 - 3/22/20

Stacy Lewis Cardwell - 3/26/20

Michelle - 3/27/20

Brittany Jayne - 24 - 4/1/20

Anne Hendricks Bass - 78 - 4/1/20

LoriAnn Scoville - 46 - 4/6/20

Kathy Cusworth - 4/8/20

Heather Haefliger - 25 - 4/8/20

Petra Karr - 4/20

Constance Valentino - 4/16/20

Tammy Nicastro Savage - 5/4/20

Carolyn - 71 - 5/5/20

Jenny Freisen Pomerleau - 48 - 5/9/20

Jutta Fans - 5/13/20

Jenna Marie - 5/17/20

Jeanette Weber - 53 - 5/24/20

Sherril Hougui - 5/30/20

Jill Anne Lyman - 51 - 6/4/20

Noel Johnson - 47 - 6/9/20

Terry - 6/13/20

Wencke Helliesen Haug - 6/15/20

Tawsha Dawn Sparks - 6/23/20

Lisa Sanders - 7/10/20

Carol McClintock - 7/26/20

Jodi Sandoval - 8/1/20

Edna - 66 - 8/5/20

Col. Kim Ward - 8/6/20

Seana Roubinek - 52 - 8/26/20

Kimberly Brett - 55 - 8/28/20

Jenny White - 9/3/20

Gabriella - 26 - 9/5/20

Ilse VanMele-Verrassel - 9/10/20

Amy Rose VanWagner - 49 - 9/10/20

Katie Maxwell - 9/12/20

Delicia - 54 - 9/24/20

Julie Kershaw-Dellar - 9/29/20

Gloria "Glo" Roberts - 66 - 10/4/20

Amanda Lackie-O'Brien - 39 - 10/10/20

Natalie Jean Jugan - 10/11/20

Anne Marie O'Donnell - 10/11/20

Pat - 10/20

Kayleigh - 12 - 10/15/20

Widget Bennett Richards - 10/19/20

Terri Lynne Baeder - 58 - 10/26/20

Kathy Bounds - 10/30/20

Brenda Steelsmith - 11/1/20

Karen - 11/6/20

Jeni Barclay - 11/11/20

Susan Schaefer - 11/13/20

Liz Johnson - 34 - 11/13/20

Leighton Accardo - 9 - 11/24/20

Kathy Heck - 11/25/20

Terri Kassmer Giengreco - 12/11/20

Sharon Dantzler Kinsaul - 12/14/20

Faith Ann Tice - 12/14/20

Linda - 12/16/20

Cecilie Elizabeth Lovaas - 12/17/20

My Dearest Teal Sisters Rest In Heaven - We'll Take it from here . . . 

 

2020: Can Anything Good Come From A Pandemic?

 

2020 started out like any other year. January was cold, snowy, sometimes rainy - regular weather. We had our colds like normal. Saw our friends, went bowling, made plans for the bowling tournament, life was "normal." 

As the months went on I even did something I never did before - I attended the OCRA Advocacy Day in early March! We were just starting to hear about this new Novel Coronavirus that was found in Wuhan, China and was starting to make its way to other countries. I had a great time on Capital Hill with my Teal Sisters and friends. 

Sarah came with me too - we were able to meet with our representatives & Senators. We also attended Monday Night RAW - the last one with a live audience before EVERYTHING was cancelled.

In the beginning, I was angry. Angry at being forced to be at home when I wasn't sick. Not being able to go to work and see "my babies", being shut up in the house, not being able to do things with friends & family, only being able to go grocery shopping, having to argue and be on the phone with unemployment forever!! 

Then came the mask mandates!! Having to wear a mask EVERYWHERE, then ALL DAY AT WORK! This caused panic attacks and irritated my asthma. It also caused PTSD! Bringing back everything from when I needed to wear a mask during my cancer treatment, being stuck in my port, and even when we needed to after Britt had her bone marrow transplant. During those times it was the sick who were quarrentined and masked, took the the precautions. NOW I had to do it when I was healthy - it wasn't fair. It made depression, anxiety and PTSD much more difficult to deal with. 

But then  . . . .  a light, good things started happening. Little by little good things started happening. At first it was just being able to visit with mom & dad, and Angela & Andrew. Then we had a small, socially responsible bon fire with a few friends and there was laughter and s'mores! 

Then a Faceboook group where people were putting Hearts and Happy messages on their windows for everyone to see. I joined and even found people in Menomonee Falls & Germantown that I drove past everyday who were in the group! I painted our window, Monty suggested some Christmas lights to make it more festive. 

Other things started to happen, some bad - a friend ended up in the hospital for over a month. But good came of that too! People far and wide rallied in prayer for him and his family. People they didn't even know started doing porch drops of food, craft supplies and other things for the family to help them "survive" not only being forced to stay at home but also the not knowing if he was ever going to come home from the hospital. 

Not being able to go to church and be a church family in a building became THE CHURCH! We began to gather online weekly. The message not just from our pastor at Grace in Menomonee Falls, but almost every other church worldwide going onto the internet and being broadcast for anyone who could click on the link and watch. A revival close to that during the time of  Acts! Anyone and everyone could receive the Word of God from the church of their choice anytime day or night!! The pandemic couldn't stop the preaching of the gospel, it helped spread it!! 

We could have prayer groups and bible studies virtually, via zoom and facebook groups. We could pray via Facebook live! Social media was starting to be used for good - God was using what the devil had intended to bring the people of God down for HIS good! 

I was missing my babies, doing my lesson plans - teaching. I started a Facebook page and read stories on video, uploaded them and invited the parents from our center to join the page. I added activity ideas, homemade toy ideas and other books for parents who were now home with their infants, toddlers and preschoolers 24/7.  https://www.facebook.com/msdebandfriendsstorytime  

This pandemic was forcing me to move past my depression, move past the poor me and from the inside of our homes figure out how to reach out without touching. Porch drops - whether surprises or notifying the person became a thing. Calling your friends, family and neighbors became a thing again. Running errands for people who couldn't go out became a thing again. Looking past ourselves started to become a thing again. Families began having family dinner, family game night and doing puzzles again. Families began to get to know each other again, took time for each other again.

This pandemic forced me, forced us, to look out, look in and look up! This past week the entire world became focused on two planets crossing and making The Christmas Star (12/21/20). This sight hasn't been seen in hundreds of years. There are many speculations as to why this year? Why 2020? 

My theory? Because of OUR focus. We wanted Hope, we needed Hope, we were seeking OUR Savior!

As we head into 2021, my prayer for myself, my family, friends and this world is that we don't stop living the lessons learned this past year, the good & bad. AND THAT WE DON'T STOP seeking or needing Hope, that we don't stop SEEKING OUR Savior. 

Praying for you all to have the Merriest of Christmases this year. 

Never Stop Seeking the one the Wise Men Sought 2000 years ago - Follow that Star. 

4 Christmases

Grief is a strange and interesting thing. There is an eb and flow to how it affects you. It affects each person differently and at different times. 

For me, missing Brittany and feeling her loss hits me much more as the holidays get closer. She loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

From the first years Monty & I were together, Brittany & Angela always tried to be at Monty's the weekend after Thanksgiving, especially Brittany. It may not have been on Black Friday, but that weekend. Britt LOVED helping decorate the Christmas tree that weekend. We would have a blast looking at all the ornaments and figuring out where to put them, teasing Monty about the tiny tree. 

Her last holiday season was 2016. The Saturday after Thanksgiving she helped me decorate the Christmas tree via Facebook Messenger. I'd put some decorations on, take a picture & send it to her via messenger. She'd let me know if they should be moved or if they were good. She was excited that we had a bigger tree too! She vetoed th angels we had for tree toppers. I tried to tie a bow with teal wire ribbon - she really poo-pooed that!! She finally settled on a Santa hat! Christmas 2017 - 9 months after she stepped into heaven, the Santa hat was back on our tree top. 

Every December Britt also made a point of coming one weekend specifically to help me make Christmas cookies. She LOVED making the sugar cutout cookies. She enjoyed that I have so many cooie cutters and didn't mind that she used more than just the Christmas ones. The freedom to frost & decorate how she wanted. We had so much fun! 

This year it will be 4 Christmases since she last helped me with the tree, since she last giggled and laughed at our decorations, showed us her smiled and got excited for her gifts. 

4 Christmases that I've had to figure out how I am going to get the inspiration to get going and get the tree out, get it decorated. 4 Christmases trying to figure out who I can find to help me decorate the tree, who can understand how hard it is for me to decorate it, why there might be some tears. 

4 Christmases where I just can't bring myself to get out the recipe make the cookie dough and get out the cookie cutters. 4 Christmases where I've had to ask my mom to make my husband the sugar cutout cookies because in my grief I just can't. 

4 Christmases of getting out the stockings, filling Angela, Andrew & Monty's with fun stuff and just adding a letter & elephant token to Brittany's. 4 Christmases of finding a special ornament to add to our tree just so we can feel like Britt is still a special part of our Christmas and celebration. 

4 Christmases of seeing the perfect gifts for her in the stores and being hit with the realization that we don't have to buy anything for her anymore. 4 Christmases of wishing we didn't have to go shopping because I don't want to see those perfect gifts.

4 Christmases and she's still not here. 4 Christmases and there are still tears. 4 Christmases and there are still times of forced smiles and happiness. 4 Christmases and the knowledge that there will forever be more . . .