Grief: Hopes & Dreams

So far I've covered two reasons people grieve. Grief hits us all differently. For me, having cancer, losing a bonus daughter to cancer and having to come face to face with the loss of lifelong hopes and dreams all within the first 4 1/2 years of my marriage was a bit overwhelming. 

Being overwhelmed made it easy for me to put dealing with the loss of being able to have biological babies on the back burner. I shoved it way to the back of my mind and priorties. I didn't want to face this reality even though every part of me knew it was true. Of course the fact that I had to remind people at doctors' offices and when getting scans and x-rays that "no parts equals no pregnant" didn't help me want to deal with the reality of everything either. 

So on April 9, 2013, when the gyn/onc said those life changing words. I made the decision to have the second surgery - confirm the staging of the cancer and take away all hopes of ever becoming pregnant. There was no way I could face my shattering heart at this time. My husband and I focused all our energy into getting ready for chemo and the treatment to save my life. Dealing with the greif and depression setting in would have to wait. 

When I first started meeting other survivors I felt like they didn't understand this part of surviving after surviving cancer. It seemed like all these other women already had children or they hadn't ever really wanted children. Me? I wanted to be a mom since I was 15 months old and my first "live" dolly showed up. Even to this day I am still entranced by pregnant women. Newborns, babies and children make me smile, increase my happy chemicals in my brain and relax me like nothing else. 

The feeling of being a "different" kind of survivor also made me feel isolated. Wanting to be pregnant and have a biological baby had me upset and depressed. Once again I felt like I didn't belong. I couldn't share pregnancy or birthing stories. I had 2 bonus daughters who I felt like I was on the outside of their lives looking in, just hanging on the fringes. I've felt like this my entire life - always there but not really able to be included.  

In 2018 I started seeing a wonderful Christian counselor. We started working on my immediate depression and grief of losing Brittany, my youngest bonus daughter. It took eight months for me to let her start digging into the grief of losing "my babies." Yes, my babies. Those children who I dreamed of forever, who I had names for, who I had dreams for. Those little babies I loved with my whole heart. A heart that was now precariously held together with mental scotch tape. 

This grief is difficult to share. Difficult for others who have never experienced this kind of deep heart loss to understand. My counselor is an amazing woman with many, many tools she was able to put in my toolbox. 

The first step she had me take was writing a letter to my self at a younger age. I stuggled to write that letter, but did it with tears. I also read it to her, more tears. Since that day, I have shed many tears for the loss of my babies, my dreams and the dreams I had for them. We still are working through this grief, one step at a time. I continue to journal about this loss and do what I can to help fill my hurting, broken mother's heart.

This grief will be a lifelong grief. Just like the other types of grief, it will never completely go away. It will change. Things will always be different and something will always be missing without my babies. I go on with my life, take care of the other babies God brings into my care and pray that one day I'll be a grandma. God's plans are greater. He is always faithful. 

Grief: What

 Many times we grieve something. Is it the loss of a home after a fire? A car in an accident? For others it could be a limb or mobility. 

For me - I have had to deal with grieving the loss of the organs that "made me a woman" and gave me the option to have a baby. Ovarian Cancer took my ovaries, uterus and omentum. Now, everyone knows what a uterus or ovaries are - right? Those are the very important female organs that are necessary for creation of a new life! I mean, the ovaries contain 1/2 of the items that start the whole process!!! The uterus is the safe space that grows the new life for 40 weeks. Kinda need these parts. 

But the Omentum? What on earth? Never heard of that before mine was gone! Well, according to sciencedirect.com "The Omentum is a large flat adipose tissue layer nestling on the surface of the intra-periotoneal organs. Besides fat storage, omentum has key biologial functions in immune-regulation and tissue regeneration."  Well, now I'm feeling kinda attached to this item! Again, something I probably need, otherwise God wouldn't have put it there, right? 

Scars from surgery 1 & 2 

All these items needed to come out to correctly stage my ovarian cancer. Although I, my husband and family joked through a lot of it; I still needed to deal with the anger, grief and issues having these organs removed brought. 

First of all - two days after surgery of the removal of my 2nd ovary, uterus and omentum I started FULL BLOWN FORCED MENOPAUSE! Yes, a woman's ovaries are her thermostat regulation devices. No ovaries means very HOT!!! 

In January scraping ice & snow from the driveway. (8.5 months after menopause started)

Next, and for me this was about a year later, I began to realize I hadn't had a period in over a year. As weird as it sounds, I kinda was starting to miss it. I also had phantom pains where my ovaries had been. I knew this happened in amputies, but for internal organs???? 

So you ask, how do you grieve for bodily organs? I didn't know either. It's a weird feeling to be sad and upset over missing body parts you never saw but were pretty attached to. I mean if I forgot I had ovaries and uterus, I was reminded on a pretty regular monthly basis. Not anymore! 

This grief is not something you talk about. Not something everyone may go through. Not something everyone can understand. Trying to explain to people what was wrong when I would start crying for no reason because the thought would hit me  "I don't have ovaries" isn't that well received. Walking through the feminie product aisle in the store and your eyes start to fill with tears just doesn't seem normal. So you explain it away as "menopause making you emotional." 

For me, just like losing a real live person, losing these organs felt like losing a part of me. Losing what truly made me a woman. These were the parts that could do something no other body parts could make up for - not just making babies, they regulate hormones and keep your insides in the place they're supposed to be. 

I'm still working through processing a lot of the anger and grief over losing these organs. As with any grief it is always an ongoing process. Now I have support - a wonderful Christian counselor and several sister survivors who can somewhat understand. It's not easy, and I still tear up in the femine products aisle occassionally - but, that's grief. 

Remembering Teal Sisters Gone in 2021

I'm a little behind this year on writing this post (took a trip to Kansas at the end of the year). It doesn't mean this post is any less important than it has been in years past.

Ovarian Cancer sucks! Cancer in general sucks. Each year I have more and more names of beautiful, wonderful Teal Sisters to add to my notebook. I've been asked why I keep this notebook - simple answer: Someone needs to remember these women and girls! They are not just names on a piece of paper or a post on FB. They are moms, wives, daughters, granddaughters, sisters, nieces, friends, teachers, doctors, politicians, advocates and so much more - and they are no longer here with us.

I may not know everyone of these women personally, but we are tethered together forever by a TEAL cord. They are ALL my Teal Sisters. I will keep on educating, advocating and raising awarenes until my last breath.

Know Your Body - Know the Symptoms:

Common:

- Bloating

- Pelvic or abdominal pain

- Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly

- Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Less Common:

- Fatigue

- Indigestion

- Back pain

- Pain with intercourse

- Constipation

- Menstrual irregularities

Remembering my Teal Sisters who have left us in 2021:

Cheyann Shaw - 28 - 1/4

Lisa Craig Schab - 1/9

Teri Woodhull (MOCA) - 1/10

Sherry Leamon - 1/21

Pauline Crowley Mulpeter - 1/24

Bethleen Bradford - 1/27

Michelle Nixon - 1/29

MJ - 1/2021

Jessica Fesler - 2/1

Nancye Long - 57 - 2/2

Leanne Temple - 2/9

Phyllis Maslia - 65 - 2/9

Kathy Cook - 63 - 2/13

Bronwyn Rich - 2/16

Janine - 2/19

Jill Mclevaine Tanner - 2/23

Julie Shinton Fried - 2/25

Michelle - 2/2021

Ginger Wilhelmi (MOCA) - 3/2

Jeannette Sherwood - 67- 3/3

Kathy Nortrup Pilla - 3/3

Sue Charon - 3/10

Brittany Anthony - 3/13

Juanita Kay Stout - 59 - 3/16

Jennie Slack Pate - 3/20

Carmela Guerra Juarez - 3/26

Athina Burns - 3/27

Diana Shook May - 3/29

Bella Flowers - 44 - 3/29

Kat Schrack - 4/4

Anna Elizabeth Dean - 41 - 4/7

Shoneece (Anewme) Leonard - 46 - 4/8

Kim Pardue Swearengin - 56 - 4/8

Robyn Smith - 4/15

Sharon Drucker - 4/24

Toni Niblic - 4/26

Kathleen Zamorski - 4/27

Rashida - 4/29

Sue Redman - 4/2021

Debbie Stansbury Jones - 5/3

Maddie McClendon - 18 - 5/8

Joyce - 5/9

Marianne Cesare Lipesei - 5/15

Melissa Rhodes - 42 - 5/16

Kate Payne - 5/19

Sonna Singleton Gregory - 5/27 (Clayton Co Commissioner, GA)

Jacqueline Sapp - 5/28

Cheryl Sumner - 5/29

Paula Kirby Champion - 5/30

Pam Morrison - 5/2021

Christine Coffinger - 5/2021

Barb Ernst - 68 - 6/4

Debbie Hensley Dryden - 6/5

Lindsey Kozecke - 41 - 6/5

Tippi Whitehead - 6/16

Melissa George - 6/17

Jennifer Koolman - 26 - 6/22

Carol Ann Frey - 6/25

Traycie Billa Mitchell - 6/25

Diane Hunter - 6/26

Rhonda Hines - 6/2021

Carol Portas Semler - 67 - 7/2

Cathi Nuttall Kennedy - 7/3

Sherry Kjellsen Gullickson - 7/4

Stephanie Herfel - 54 - 7/8

Cathie Volz - 7/16

Susan Glynn - 55 - 7/20

Eva Tibbo Leisure - 7/21

Kathie Hannas - 7/27

Sheila Stiles - 66 - 8/5

Deb Thomas - 8/7

Cally O'Donnell - 63 - 8/25

Cianney Faco (Lexa Rave) - 30 - 8/29

Tammy Seiler - 9/3

Tara Deeker - 48 - 9/3

Debbie Strine Edwards - 9/5

Amy Buck - 9/13

Carolyn Bryant Schaub - 50 - 9/22

Camille Brh - 9/25

Regan Shale Lefferts - 10/2

Nadia Chauduri - 43 - 10/5

Marie Kocher - 67 - 10/7

Gina Zarletti - 45 - 10/10

Jan Jones - 10/16

Rhonda Gold - 66 - 10/16

Nancy Lynne Nelson - 55 - 10/23

Joan Ellison - 64 - 11/3

Terri Polson - 11/5

Rebecca Smith Merrill - 11/11

Emily Ball (Emily's Entourage) - 21 - 11/21 (diagnosed originally at age 8

Renee Cohen - 11/21

Marge Ottaway Metz - 11/28

Shaylee - 27 - 11/29

Kym Boone Young - 12/11

Barbara Thompson Gant - 12/12

Jenn Kold McDermott - 12/31

(these are only the women & girls I learned about through out the year. There are many, many more all over the US and world who DIE from this disease daily.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIb4NC5ikYo

Grief: Who

Who Am I Grieving? 

A person, a pet? When you talk about grieving, this is the grief people naturally assume you are talking about.

Everyone, at some point, will lose a person they love. It’s a given with our sinful nature, with the dying world we live in.  Even Jesus is shown grieving for his friend Lazarus. I do love the picture this shows us. Jesus loved his friend. Jesus grieved his friend. The reason we grieve the loss of people in our lives is because we love.

As a Christian, grief can be different. For me, when Brittany died, it was a tough mixture of sadness and joy. It hurt and broke me in pieces and places I didn’t know could break and hurt. Knowing she wasn’t going to be around to talk with, laugh with, celebrate & cry with. Not hearing her voice or her laugh. Not seeing her graduate from college, fall in love, get married, have a family, the nursing career she’d dreamed of. . . That was the deep pain.

Senior Pictures

But the joy? The deep joy? That joy came from knowing where she stepped when she took her last breath on earth. We had heard her, only 3 days earlier, confess with a strong confidence who she was going to see when she died. She believed with her whole being that Jesus was her Savior and  He had been with her through every storm and fire she faced. My joy came from knowing she was in Heaven, walking streets of gold, sitting with Jesus.

I’m not trying to say grieving a loved one, especially a 19-year-old daughter, is easier as a Christian. What I am saying is at the end of the day, whether good or bad, I know for sure when I die, I’ll see Brittany again.

For me Brittany’s death also did one thing I wasn’t really expecting. It sent me farther into depression I hadn’t recognized I had. It also showed me I needed some help. I started with talking to a couple friends I knew struggled with depression to see if I really was dealing with depression. Next, I found a good Christian counselor. This counselor is also the person who helped me see there was more to my grief picture than just grieving Brittany.

Brittany's loss, just like when I lost my grandparents and the loss of all my Teal Sisters, will always be a part of me. Grief will always be there. I think about Britt every day. What would she be doing, what stories would she be telling us from work. How many families would she have comforted by now, how many children would she have bonded with through their shared experiences? How excited would she be as her big sister's wedding day is getting closer? How many races would she have gone to with her dad? How many sticker wars would we have had by now on messenger? Would she be happy that her dad and I joined the rest of the world and finally got "real" cell phones? How often would she be texting me? 

Each day there are ups and downs. Smiles and tears. That's how grief for someone you love works. That's how the rest of my life without Brittany will work. . . . 

 

Grief

 

Grief – it’s a big topic and not one many people want to talk about. Almost everyone experiences grief. Most of the time it is for someone you love who passes away, but have you ever stopped to think of the other things we grieve?

 The parent who hears their child has a disability grieves for the loss of what they thought their child’s life was going to be.  The person who gets fired grieves for the loss of their job. The person who loses a limb grieves the loss of their body part.

 For me, I must work through and deal with grief daily for three major losses in 4 years. How we work daily to live with the grief from 1) losing body parts that make me a female, 2) losing the ability to have biological children and experience pregnancy and childbirth, and 3) the loss of a very special bonus daughter to cancer.

 Most people will understand the third item, as the loss of a loved one is something we’re used to people grieving.  We are all there for the funeral, telling the grieving family we’re there for them – anything they need. Eventually the support falls off. Close friends and families the only ones who still may be around offering support after six months or a year. By year 2 or 5 most of the support is non-existent. Some even think the grieving person should “be over it by now.” When you love someone, the “it” they are talking about wanting you to be over grieving is your loved one.

 In our society grief is something that is danced around, avoided and many times ignored. This is an area where the Church has also failed. Grief seems to be a taboo subject once everyone has prayed for the family, attended the funeral and the body is buried. How do we fix this?

For Christians, it can be tough to feel like you’re walking through a dark valley with no one around you. We struggle. We know that our loved one is in heaven, healed and whole. We also know that we want them back with us because we miss them. We know we will once again see them when we, ourselves, get to heaven. We also know that we miss them EVERY second of EVERY day. We hate that life goes on without them. We live with that gaping hole in our lives, events, and hearts.

We need to start talking about grief, sharing about grief and making it a normal part of our lives. Over the next few posts, I’m going to dig into my own grief. Share each part of my grief journey in each area that I grieve. Hoping that by doing this, I’ll be able to start people talking about grief and making it less of a taboo subject – in the general public and the church.

A Mother's Heart

 What is a mother's heart? How do you know if you have a mother's heart? Why does God give women a mother's heart and then not give her children to mother? 

These and so many other questions come to mind most days of my life, especially since April, 2013. I even have had times of wondering if I truly do have a mother's heart. 

Over the past couple years, working through things with my counselor, I have come to realize that I definitely was born with the heart of a mother. Not just a mother, a mom . . . mommy, momma. From the day I received my first baby doll I have mothered. From the day my parents brought home my first baby brother - I have mothered. 

What makes up that part deep inside, that inborn part, the heart that makes someone a mother, a nurturer? Not just someone who loves babies. Who loves snuggles, who can't get enough of the scent of a newborn's head. But someone who is a true nurturer, caretaker and connects with children and others on a level that takes patience, humbleness, empathy, and a number of other inborn skills. My mom and both grandmas had mother's hearts. My mother-in-law as well. Maybe this is where my deep desire to have children, biological children, has come from. 

In my life, I have always gravitated to babies and young children. I have babysat since I was 9 years old, helped take care of my brothers since I was 6 and 7. I worked in daycare for many years, and now am working there again. I have mentored teenagers, nannied my nieces and even fallen in love with my 2 bonus daughters. This mothering instinct doesn't stop there. I have taken other women under my wing, mentored younger women at work. Also, have worked in the church nursery as well as lead a small group of middle school girls at church in  confirmation class. 

All those years ago, when I felt God put the verse of Isaiah 54:1 on my heart, I figured it couldn't be for me. I thought maybe it was a ministry. In April, 2013 when I became the woman in this verse

“Shout for joy, O barren one, she who has not given birth;
Break forth into joyful shouting and rejoice, she who has not gone into labor [with child]!
For the [spiritual] sons of the desolate one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord. (AMP)

                                             

I became the barren woman on April 29, 2013, after having the second surgery for staging the Ovarian Cancer I was diagnosed with on April 9, 2013. I was angry. Angry at God! God, who gave me a Mother's Heart and then wouldn't let me bear my husband's children.

These are my cousins, nieces, and just a few of the other children I have had the pleasure and honor of having in my life. There have been so many others. 

The Characteristics of This Mother's Heart

Empathetic

Caring 

Nurturing

Loving

Playful

Creative

Willing to snuggle

Willing to listen

God fearing

                                         

I also try to take a page out of Mr Roger's book each and every day. I hope to validate each child, make them feel special and validate their feelings.  

After several years of counseling, hard work, and prayer; I have finally come to realize although I will never become pregnant or give birth to a child, I have and will have many, many "spiritual" children. All of them I will forever carry in my heart. 

The reminder is constantly with me: GOD is NOT the one who gives or brings bad things into our lives. The bad things like cancer, death, barrenness, sickness and more are all caused by the sin and death in the world. We need to take a look at ourselves and the world we live in, stop blaming God and run to Him in times of troubles. Once we realize this and start leaning on Him, we can start healing and begin to see the blessings He honestly has for us. 

God gives the childless mother with a mother's heart abundantly more children to love and nuture than she could ever imagine. He will never make promises He does not keep. Now that I have truly found my song, the Song of My Heart, I can truly sing. 

Smiling Through It All

 A friend mentioned once that in every picture she ever saw of me I was always smiling. When I was diagnosed with cancer, she again mentioned whenever she saw me I always was smiling. She told me seeing me smile while going through chemo really encouraged her. 

Friends & family admired and wondered at Brittany when she was going through all her ups and downs with cancer because she kept her smile at all times. Even my niece, who has spina bifida, with all her surgeries, pain and issues has a constant smile. 

The questions many ask me, us, is why? Why do you smile all the time? How do you keep smiling all the time? You had cancer, your child died . . . how and why can you smile?

Well, there are 2 answers. The first is the one that always gets a nod and a pat on the shoulder: "I am a Christian, and I know no matter what God has things under control." The second answer is: "What else do you expect? I can't change the situation by crying all the time."

Let's look at the second response first: Can I change the fact that I have cancer if I cry or am upset or angry all the time about it? The answer is a big NO! What happens if I have that kind of attitude is I become more miserable and make everyone around me miserable. It's not their fault, my fault or the doctor/nurses' fault that I'm sick. The reason I have cancer, have to go through this crappy treatment, is because there is sin, death and the devil in this world. 

So many woman, actually the majority, have trouble with losing their hair. They seem fine with having to lose their lady parts, have poison pumped into their body and be super sick . . . but be bald for a few months! Heaven forbid!! For me not having hair was the best part. It was the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful. It showed me how much pressure society puts on women and girls to reflect their beauty through what their hair looks like. Me - I smiled through being bald. Shaving my head was the only thing I could control - so smile and control it. 

Chemo

Hair shave day

Now, the big reason I, Brittany and my niece can and always will smile through all our adveristy. We are Christians. We believe God has always done what He said He would do and always will! We have a steadfast, strong faith in Jesus, and we don't let go of it. A faith which has grown stronger through all the adveristy.

Through adverisity, whether born with a birth defect or diagnosed with cancer, we cling to the joy of the Lord. This is a JOY deep inside of us and nothing can take it away. This JOY is a gift from God. We may have days where we don't feel happy, we cry, get angry, depressed, grieve and have a lot of other emotions. This doesn't mean we don't have JOY. This JOY lets us smile when we grieve. Smile when we cry. Smile even though we have depression. Smile when we're in pain. 

Phil Vasar & Brittany

My niece & Brittany

So don't let the smile fool you . . . it doesn't mean I love my situation. It means even though I'm in a bad situation I'm leaning on the ONE who can take care of the situation, and I don't have to worry. 

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, 

for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8:10