Grief: Who

Who Am I Grieving? 

A person, a pet? When you talk about grieving, this is the grief people naturally assume you are talking about.

Everyone, at some point, will lose a person they love. It’s a given with our sinful nature, with the dying world we live in.  Even Jesus is shown grieving for his friend Lazarus. I do love the picture this shows us. Jesus loved his friend. Jesus grieved his friend. The reason we grieve the loss of people in our lives is because we love.

As a Christian, grief can be different. For me, when Brittany died, it was a tough mixture of sadness and joy. It hurt and broke me in pieces and places I didn’t know could break and hurt. Knowing she wasn’t going to be around to talk with, laugh with, celebrate & cry with. Not hearing her voice or her laugh. Not seeing her graduate from college, fall in love, get married, have a family, the nursing career she’d dreamed of. . . That was the deep pain.

Senior Pictures

But the joy? The deep joy? That joy came from knowing where she stepped when she took her last breath on earth. We had heard her, only 3 days earlier, confess with a strong confidence who she was going to see when she died. She believed with her whole being that Jesus was her Savior and  He had been with her through every storm and fire she faced. My joy came from knowing she was in Heaven, walking streets of gold, sitting with Jesus.

I’m not trying to say grieving a loved one, especially a 19-year-old daughter, is easier as a Christian. What I am saying is at the end of the day, whether good or bad, I know for sure when I die, I’ll see Brittany again.

For me Brittany’s death also did one thing I wasn’t really expecting. It sent me farther into depression I hadn’t recognized I had. It also showed me I needed some help. I started with talking to a couple friends I knew struggled with depression to see if I really was dealing with depression. Next, I found a good Christian counselor. This counselor is also the person who helped me see there was more to my grief picture than just grieving Brittany.

Brittany's loss, just like when I lost my grandparents and the loss of all my Teal Sisters, will always be a part of me. Grief will always be there. I think about Britt every day. What would she be doing, what stories would she be telling us from work. How many families would she have comforted by now, how many children would she have bonded with through their shared experiences? How excited would she be as her big sister's wedding day is getting closer? How many races would she have gone to with her dad? How many sticker wars would we have had by now on messenger? Would she be happy that her dad and I joined the rest of the world and finally got "real" cell phones? How often would she be texting me? 

Each day there are ups and downs. Smiles and tears. That's how grief for someone you love works. That's how the rest of my life without Brittany will work. . . . 

 

Grief

 

Grief – it’s a big topic and not one many people want to talk about. Almost everyone experiences grief. Most of the time it is for someone you love who passes away, but have you ever stopped to think of the other things we grieve?

 The parent who hears their child has a disability grieves for the loss of what they thought their child’s life was going to be.  The person who gets fired grieves for the loss of their job. The person who loses a limb grieves the loss of their body part.

 For me, I must work through and deal with grief daily for three major losses in 4 years. How we work daily to live with the grief from 1) losing body parts that make me a female, 2) losing the ability to have biological children and experience pregnancy and childbirth, and 3) the loss of a very special bonus daughter to cancer.

 Most people will understand the third item, as the loss of a loved one is something we’re used to people grieving.  We are all there for the funeral, telling the grieving family we’re there for them – anything they need. Eventually the support falls off. Close friends and families the only ones who still may be around offering support after six months or a year. By year 2 or 5 most of the support is non-existent. Some even think the grieving person should “be over it by now.” When you love someone, the “it” they are talking about wanting you to be over grieving is your loved one.

 In our society grief is something that is danced around, avoided and many times ignored. This is an area where the Church has also failed. Grief seems to be a taboo subject once everyone has prayed for the family, attended the funeral and the body is buried. How do we fix this?

For Christians, it can be tough to feel like you’re walking through a dark valley with no one around you. We struggle. We know that our loved one is in heaven, healed and whole. We also know that we want them back with us because we miss them. We know we will once again see them when we, ourselves, get to heaven. We also know that we miss them EVERY second of EVERY day. We hate that life goes on without them. We live with that gaping hole in our lives, events, and hearts.

We need to start talking about grief, sharing about grief and making it a normal part of our lives. Over the next few posts, I’m going to dig into my own grief. Share each part of my grief journey in each area that I grieve. Hoping that by doing this, I’ll be able to start people talking about grief and making it less of a taboo subject – in the general public and the church.

A Mother's Heart

 What is a mother's heart? How do you know if you have a mother's heart? Why does God give women a mother's heart and then not give her children to mother? 

These and so many other questions come to mind most days of my life, especially since April, 2013. I even have had times of wondering if I truly do have a mother's heart. 

Over the past couple years, working through things with my counselor, I have come to realize that I definitely was born with the heart of a mother. Not just a mother, a mom . . . mommy, momma. From the day I received my first baby doll I have mothered. From the day my parents brought home my first baby brother - I have mothered. 

What makes up that part deep inside, that inborn part, the heart that makes someone a mother, a nurturer? Not just someone who loves babies. Who loves snuggles, who can't get enough of the scent of a newborn's head. But someone who is a true nurturer, caretaker and connects with children and others on a level that takes patience, humbleness, empathy, and a number of other inborn skills. My mom and both grandmas had mother's hearts. My mother-in-law as well. Maybe this is where my deep desire to have children, biological children, has come from. 

In my life, I have always gravitated to babies and young children. I have babysat since I was 9 years old, helped take care of my brothers since I was 6 and 7. I worked in daycare for many years, and now am working there again. I have mentored teenagers, nannied my nieces and even fallen in love with my 2 bonus daughters. This mothering instinct doesn't stop there. I have taken other women under my wing, mentored younger women at work. Also, have worked in the church nursery as well as lead a small group of middle school girls at church in  confirmation class. 

All those years ago, when I felt God put the verse of Isaiah 54:1 on my heart, I figured it couldn't be for me. I thought maybe it was a ministry. In April, 2013 when I became the woman in this verse

“Shout for joy, O barren one, she who has not given birth;
Break forth into joyful shouting and rejoice, she who has not gone into labor [with child]!
For the [spiritual] sons of the desolate one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord. (AMP)

                                             

I became the barren woman on April 29, 2013, after having the second surgery for staging the Ovarian Cancer I was diagnosed with on April 9, 2013. I was angry. Angry at God! God, who gave me a Mother's Heart and then wouldn't let me bear my husband's children.

These are my cousins, nieces, and just a few of the other children I have had the pleasure and honor of having in my life. There have been so many others. 

The Characteristics of This Mother's Heart

Empathetic

Caring 

Nurturing

Loving

Playful

Creative

Willing to snuggle

Willing to listen

God fearing

                                         

I also try to take a page out of Mr Roger's book each and every day. I hope to validate each child, make them feel special and validate their feelings.  

After several years of counseling, hard work, and prayer; I have finally come to realize although I will never become pregnant or give birth to a child, I have and will have many, many "spiritual" children. All of them I will forever carry in my heart. 

The reminder is constantly with me: GOD is NOT the one who gives or brings bad things into our lives. The bad things like cancer, death, barrenness, sickness and more are all caused by the sin and death in the world. We need to take a look at ourselves and the world we live in, stop blaming God and run to Him in times of troubles. Once we realize this and start leaning on Him, we can start healing and begin to see the blessings He honestly has for us. 

God gives the childless mother with a mother's heart abundantly more children to love and nuture than she could ever imagine. He will never make promises He does not keep. Now that I have truly found my song, the Song of My Heart, I can truly sing. 

Smiling Through It All

 A friend mentioned once that in every picture she ever saw of me I was always smiling. When I was diagnosed with cancer, she again mentioned whenever she saw me I always was smiling. She told me seeing me smile while going through chemo really encouraged her. 

Friends & family admired and wondered at Brittany when she was going through all her ups and downs with cancer because she kept her smile at all times. Even my niece, who has spina bifida, with all her surgeries, pain and issues has a constant smile. 

The questions many ask me, us, is why? Why do you smile all the time? How do you keep smiling all the time? You had cancer, your child died . . . how and why can you smile?

Well, there are 2 answers. The first is the one that always gets a nod and a pat on the shoulder: "I am a Christian, and I know no matter what God has things under control." The second answer is: "What else do you expect? I can't change the situation by crying all the time."

Let's look at the second response first: Can I change the fact that I have cancer if I cry or am upset or angry all the time about it? The answer is a big NO! What happens if I have that kind of attitude is I become more miserable and make everyone around me miserable. It's not their fault, my fault or the doctor/nurses' fault that I'm sick. The reason I have cancer, have to go through this crappy treatment, is because there is sin, death and the devil in this world. 

So many woman, actually the majority, have trouble with losing their hair. They seem fine with having to lose their lady parts, have poison pumped into their body and be super sick . . . but be bald for a few months! Heaven forbid!! For me not having hair was the best part. It was the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful. It showed me how much pressure society puts on women and girls to reflect their beauty through what their hair looks like. Me - I smiled through being bald. Shaving my head was the only thing I could control - so smile and control it. 

Chemo

Hair shave day

Now, the big reason I, Brittany and my niece can and always will smile through all our adveristy. We are Christians. We believe God has always done what He said He would do and always will! We have a steadfast, strong faith in Jesus, and we don't let go of it. A faith which has grown stronger through all the adveristy.

Through adverisity, whether born with a birth defect or diagnosed with cancer, we cling to the joy of the Lord. This is a JOY deep inside of us and nothing can take it away. This JOY is a gift from God. We may have days where we don't feel happy, we cry, get angry, depressed, grieve and have a lot of other emotions. This doesn't mean we don't have JOY. This JOY lets us smile when we grieve. Smile when we cry. Smile even though we have depression. Smile when we're in pain. 

Phil Vasar & Brittany

My niece & Brittany

So don't let the smile fool you . . . it doesn't mean I love my situation. It means even though I'm in a bad situation I'm leaning on the ONE who can take care of the situation, and I don't have to worry. 

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, 

for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” - Nehemiah 8:10

What's Up With The Toilet Paper?

 

We Only Put the Toilet Paper on the Holder When Company Comes:

A lesson from my first year of Marriage: Toilet Paper

So, what’s up with the toilet paper? For some this could be a big issue. On the holder. . . off the holder. Paper up . . . paper down. When I moved in with my then boyfriend it drove me crazy that he was constantly taking the toilet paper off the holder. It would sit on the counter next to the sink, on a shelf, on the back of the toilet or sometimes, even on top of the holder! I would put it back on the holder and every time he went in he would take it off . . . a wonderful, vicious cycle. 

After a few months of this, I decided to fix this once and for all. I pulled out a second roll and put it on the holder for me. I left his roll alone. This ended up backfiring too. When he saw the new, full roll he would pull that one off and start using it. Suddenly I had four partial rolls sitting in the bathroom just waiting to fall into any water trap they could find. What to do now? 

That question took me a year and a half to figure out. Once we got married this issue kept happening. Finally I found myself leaving the toilet paper off the holder and resting it on top the holder. Monty still put it on the sink or the shelf, but for the most part it now sits on the holder. The compromise is when we have company coming the toilet paper goes on the holder and any stray partial or almost empty rolls go in the hamper where we store the extra paper products. I was amazed when I discovered I was the one who changed my behavior and came up with the “company compromise.” 

This discovery led to another. In marriage as in any other relationship, you have to pick your battles. Would it have been any major benefit to my marriage or either one of us to constantly harp on each other about where the toilet paper roll rests? Would this battle build either one of us up while tearing the other down? If the answer to the first question is no and the second question is yes, then this is a battle that is better not fought. 

One of the first, big lessons I learned in my marriage – I vowed to honor, love, obey, submit to and respect my husband. If I harp and nag about something as petty as where the toilet paper roll sits that does not show my husband honor, love or respect! When I stopped putting the toilet paper back on the holder and kept my mouth shut, I silently showed my husband he was respected. 

Why don’t other married women let this secret out? All other wives tell you is “pick your battles.” I say, if we didn’t start out viewing them as battles we could focus on a bigger question. Next time your husband does something that seems to annoy you, take a breath and look at the situation closely, dissect it if necessary. Ask yourself those questions I asked myself: 

- Will pursuing this issue have any major, positive benefit to my marriage or either one of us? 
- Will this battle build me up while tearing my husband down? 

If the answer to the first question is no and the second question is yes, this is not an issue you want to turn into a battle. On the other hand, if the first answer is yes and the second is no go for it. 

Once you start respecting your husband in seemingly small ways you will be amazed at the love you feel coming back at you. Respect is what fuels your husband. In his book Love and Respect, Dr. Emerich talks about how God has made women to be fueled by love and men to be fueled by respect. This is a direct command from God. In Ephesians 5:33 God tells us . . . a husband must love his wife as Christ loves His church and a woman must respect her husband. 

By leaving the small, petty things alone you are showing your husband the respect he needs from you. You will also be honoring God with your actions.

(I wrote this 2 years after I had been diagnosed with cancer. If you have been reading this blog, I was diagnosed 8 months after we were married. In our first 5 years of marriage we had bigger fish to fry than where the toilet paper should go and if the dirty clothes were left on the floor.)

A Cure for Cancer

 One thing I was guilt of before cancer affected my family was saying "If they can spend so much money on __________, why can't they cure cancer?" Even after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, the first time, I still didn't understand. It took getting cancer myself and being involved in the cancer community, learning  more and more about cancer and how it works to really understand. 

Here are several "myths" that people often think or even say about cancer and its cure. 

1) "Cancer is a money maker. They have a cure and won't release it." 

2) "They have had enough time, there should be a cure already." 

3) Most recently, "If they can create a vaccine for COVID so fast, why can't they create a cure for cancer, it's been around so much longer?" 

I've only been personally involved in the cancer world for 7.5 years, since my diagnosis. It is relatively a short time compared to how long cancer has been around, and the researchers have been researching. When I first started treatment I was angry that I was being treated for ovarian cancer with chemotherapies that women 30+ years before me had been treated with! Can you imagine??? NO new treatment options for a very lethal gynecologic cancer in 30+ years!!! 

A year or so after I finshed chemo, I started learning about new treatments that were being talked about and clinical trials specifically for ovarian cancer (none for Stage 1 like I was). Good News! Many of these were for PARP Inhibitors and Maintenance Treatments. Still not cures. 

I attended a national conference for ovarian cancer survivors. There is where my education really began. It was at this first and then subsequent conferences that I learned some very important information: Ovarian Cancer, like many other cancers, has many difference cell types. Not all treatments work on all cell types!!! 

Did you hear me in the back!!! I'll repeat it: MANY CANCERS HAVE DIFFERENT CELL TYPES OF THAT CANCER. NOT ALL CELL TYPES RESPOND TO THE SAME TREATMENT!!!

For example, there are more than 30 different types of Ovarian Cancer, 70 different types of  Lymphoma, and 120 types of  Brain Cancer. Each of these types cancer have difference subtypes, affect different cell types and repsond to different treatments, different chemotherapy drugs and radiation. 

With this information, doesn't that lead to you believe there is NOT going to be a one size fits all CURE FOR CANCER????  It only makes sense that with all the different types of cancer, different cells affected and different treatments that are needed to kill the cancer and make survival rates better there is never going to be a single cure for cancer. 

What is needed until we can find cures for ALL cancers? . . . . Early detection tests for cancers that do not have them. Treatments that single out the cancerous cells and don't harm the healthy cells. Treatments with less side effects, either while you are going through treatment or after treatment. And in the case of children who have cancer: treatments that are specific to children, not adult therapies doesd down to children's weights!!!! 

So next time you ask or say "They spent so much money on _______ why can't they find a cure for cancer?" Just remember, cancer is bigger than money, bigger than 1 single cure!!